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NEW ITEMS FROM THE S.W.A.T.S. CATALOG

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It's more than just deer antlers, bro.

Bryn Lennon

Birmingham's own S.W.A.T.S. (Sports With Alternatives To Steroids) is under some fire for possibly providing deer antler spray to Ray Lewis and members of the 2012 Alabama football team. But don't let the self-interested medical community fool you - S.W.A.T.S. is a purveyor of many fine and useful products for athletes of all ability levels. Here are but a few of their more popular items.

ELECTRICO SPORTS FUEL

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Legend tells of a mystical elixir imbibed by Byzantine warriors before a great battle, believed to give the soldiers enhanced strength, speed, and tolerance to pain. Drink one Champion Size can before gametime and feel a rush of otherworldly power coursing throughout your body. Also comes in Junior Champion for kids.

FLEX-JUSTICE SHACKLES

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Made from a special form of electricity-conducting metal and polar bear penis, these decorative charms go on and off with ease. They also tap into your body's natural positive electron generating potentiator and create a positive mind state and physiological ecosystem. Apply to teammates without warning for best results.

PRO-FORMANCE ADHESIVE SET

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Made to meet the ever-changing needs of the modern athlete, Pro-Formance Adhesives provide concentrated amounts of KinetiPowerZoom when applied to the appropriate pressure points on the body. Each Adhesive is designed to deliver a distinct boost, which can be used in combination for maximum performance.

Flamingo = Heightened coordination/immunity to iodine
Easter Egg = Increases oxygen capacity of red blood cells
Unicorn = Ability to see infrared and ultraviolet spectrums
Penguin = Lowers body temperature, boosts sperm count
Heart = Temporary immunity to first and second degree burns
Rose = Shapeshifting (WARNING: May cause death when combined with Penguin)

CHLOROCOLOR FORCE WAVE ENHANCER COLLAR

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Most doctors won't tell you that 97% of the body's paleotoxins are stored in your neck tissue. Left unchecked, they can lead to painful and performance-reducing conditions like drop-trip, chronic fog lung, and Indiana State Resident Disorder. Jamaican peer-reviewed studies have shown that our Chlorocolor Force Wave Enhancer Collars can cut paleotoxin levels in half after only three days of use! $579.99 for two collars.

OMEGA 280 SLEEP MULTIPLIER

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When placed under your ordinary mattress, the Omega 280 Sleep Multiplier bends the curvature of spacetime to provide you with the equivalent of 18 hours of rest in only 4 Earth hours. Also comes in Pumpkin, Slate, and Futility Yellow.

ROCKY MOUNTAIN MEGA-DISSOLVE STRIPS

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Sportsman's value! Over 500 pages of HOLISTICALLY CHARGED inscriptions. Simply rip out a page, place on the tongue, and feel the power of such diverse categories as "MAGAZINES-MAGICIANS" and "GUNS-HAIR" dissolve directly into your cerebellar chakra core.

ENDURAMIGHT COLLISION GARMENT

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Made from patented D.E.M.O.N.-Silk fibers, this performance top absorbs and deflects psychological and emotional damage to keep you on the field no matter what. Handwash with lemon juice only.

PORTABLE LAZARUS VORTEX

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The latest in quick-healing technology, the Portable Lazarus Vortex promotes capistullar growth and leukostamine well-being when applied to injured areas. Simply grasp the Lazarus Vortex by its ProGrab neck and swing it with maximum force where healing is desired.