THE CURIOUS INDEX, 01/28/2013

BOWLSBY TOLD YOU NEVER TO CALL HIM AT THE OFFICE. Look, nobody's talking about expansion. That's just crazy talk. All we're saying is let's have a get together, let the wine flow, really get comfortable with our Big 12 bodies and if an orgy breaks out what's the harm, baby?

THAT'S A LOT OF HEPPIN. All of this money has already been earmarked for a custom RV with "NUTTIN' BUT TROUBLE" airbrushed on the back. With a Greek warrior eating tacos because he's totally getting that USC job next year.

THE BOWL THAT MOVES A LITTLE SLOWER. Yes, it's the Senior Bowl, where Landry Jones is probably developing into a more talented quarterbaaaand he's eating pieces of foam from a seat cushion he ripped open.

GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK. Coach Pelini understands a man has to go where his heart takes him. Relatedly, Coach Pelini's heart has guided him to your house, specifically to the kitchen, where he is cutting a hole in your gas line.

DO COACHDROIDS DREAM OF ELECTRIC RECRUITS? It turns out there are some who think being allowed to contact recruits without any meaningful limitations could be a bad thing. These men are cowards, of course, and scared to test the limits of telephony and the U.S. Postal Service. Urban Meyer doesn't know who sent you this fax machine but he does urge you to plug it in and (recruit found dead three months later under 870 pound pile of paper).

ETC. Gear up, Grape Ape - we're reasserting American space supremacy. Mack Brown has done this as well, only with diamonds, so leave those shoes on when you shower at his house. (Don't shower at his house.) ORSONBABY WATCH 2.0 CONTINUES.