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Text this Index to as many recruits you want as many times as you want! BECAUSE IT'S ABOUT EDUCATION.

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Doug Pensinger

OREGON STAYS HELF RICH. As predicted, the Ducks hired from within and gave the top spot to their offensive coordinator, who speaks fluent German and came to Oregon from Colorado. This will be especially helpful when he turns the defense into eleven police dogs attacking Cody Hawkins.

BREW CREW TALKING SHIT ALL OVER TOWN ABOUT YOU. It's good to see someone with a B1G background embrace the SEC tradition of putting your foot in your mouth by saying shit that isn't true and then following it up with a team battle cry. THE GOVERNMENT STOPPED PUTTIN' LEAD IN GASOLINE BECAUSE THEY WERE AFRAID OUR CARS WOULD BE TOO POWERFUL WAR DAMN EAGLE.

(Also, please, no more Kiffins. Unless they're wearing this.)

ROYALTY WALKS AMONGST US. He's everywhere, just waiting for that chance to return to his rightful throne. Isn't a prince just the original coach in waiting, Texas? Think of the Internet response!

YOU HAVE 1,788 MISSED CALLS. Like most people in January, the NCAA is trying to slim down, and now Urban Meyer gets to move into your house and it's not even trespassing. Remember - the robodialer is your friend, because you don't want it to be your enemy.

IN LIEU OF ETC., THANK YOU, DR. KING. The day off is nice, if you have it, but either way it's worth taking two minutes out to hear the Reverend speak.