ROLL DAMN PHOTO OPPORTUNITY TIDE

Like any good corporate monolith, EDSBS Agricultural Uniforms and Personal Salves LLC is always looking to grow. To that end, we've brought aboard the illustrious Bunkie Perkins, founder of Friends Of The Program, to offer us secret access into that beautiful hellscape we know as the SEC West. Welcome him, and then tell him Auburn is not a quality opponent.

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Among the many events involved in the annual Alabama BCS Championship celebration (I assume it's annual, regardless of the season's outcome...#15 PAAAWWWLLLLL) is one steeped in tradition and ornately constructed Dr. Pepper displays, where the common folk of the State of Alabama can come and feel the soft velvet of the king's robes but for only a brief moment...or as long as the photo opportunity takes. The BCS Championship trophy is making its tour through the Wal-Marts (and this year, Academy Sporting Goods, which is essentially Wal-Mart but with deer stands) of the state this week, thus providing an opportunity for Bama fans to perform the types of full-on gumping performance art, surrounded by everyday low prices, that we have come to expect.

Yet, 3 championships in 4 years, and consequently, 3 Wal-Mart BCS trophy tours, can breed complacency among even the most ardent of fan bases. Nick Saban would probably say something PROCESS-y about this, like, "The only true way to guard against that is to constantly evaluate things and take the appropriate measures if weakness is found"...and then he'd fit in a derogatory comment about the Spread offense or something.

I for one don't want Bama fans getting all fat and comfortable after all of this success. A fully invested Bama fan is chicken soup for the troll, and therefore we must all do our part to hold them to a high standard of excellence. With that in mind, below is an detailed analysis and extremely scientific rating of this year's BCS Trophy Tour participants.

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Name: Helen of Tuscaloosa (cause Troy ain't got no decent football team, PAAAWWWLLL)

Overall: Simply a fine job of accessorizing...from the straw hat monstrosity to the elephant chain that would make Rick Ross all Rick Ross-y in that special Rick Ross place. Just proving that less is never more we are talkin' bout the Tide, y'all.

Special recognition: The dummy. No, the one on her hand. If that thing could talk (and I assure you that she thinks it does), imagine the stories it could tell about her forcing him to have pre-game tea party play dates her scores of pet cats.

Rating: 4 1/2 Updykes

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Name: The Briscoe Family (LtoR: Darlene, Mickey, Ms. Bev, Harold, Prudence (Prudy to her acquaintances), Harry Jr., and little baby Sabantha)

Overall: There's something about seeing 3 generations of Bama fans standing together that brings a tear to the eye and an eventual university study into the effects of multi-generational procreation within a small and isolated populace.

Special recognition: To Dad, who refused to wear anything Alabama-related. Probably just wanted to go look at the bait and tackle without being bothered with all of this bullshit.

Rating: 3 1/2 Updykes

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Name: Jimmy Jack Florence from Florence

Overall: PROTECTING THIS HOUSE one base layer at a time.

Special recognition: The fine penmanship and alternating color scheme of the sign. Zach is likely an Auburn fan.

Rating: 2 Updykes

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Name: Davey Mac and Davey Mac Jr. (answers to Junior and "Once a month weekend ruiner")

Overall: A special moment between father and son. By "special" I mean "mandated by the Chancery courts of Alabama".

Special recognition: The stuffed elephant. Used as both a symbol of Crimson Tide pride and as a tool of comfort when dad gets into the Wild Turkey and he thinks "Bama just ain't runnin' the ball enough, gotdammit!"

Rating: 1 1/2 Updykes

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Name: The Mixon family from Hoover (LtoR: Trixie, Jenny, John Paul, Mike)

Overall: They totally nailed that #15 hand thing that John Paul and Jenny worked on on the drive over even though Jenny thought it was totally stupid John Paul and only agreed to do it once she was assured that none of her friends from school or her traveling softball team would see her.

Special recognition: In that family, you have the only four hairstyles that are socially acceptable in the state of Alabama.

Rating: 4 Updykes