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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 01/14/2013

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THERE HASN'T BEEN ANY FOOTBALL FOR A WHOLE WEEK DEMOCRACY HAS FAILED GATHER SUPPLIES AND JOIN A BAND OF MARAUDERS THE END IS HERE

Steve Mitchell-US PRESSWIRE

NEVIN SHAPIRO BACK? We'll find out soon, apparently, as the NCAA is finally ready to provide the U with a Notice of Allegations. It took this long because a one-hour meeting with Charles Robinson inevitably turns into five hours of him telling you all about his new gazebo and holy shit shut up Charles nobody cares how you wired the ceiling fan yourself.

CASEY PACHALL BACK?? You're damn right he is, and he's bringing Hell with him. (Hell is the name of this new totally legal crossbreed of salvia and opium poppy that I think you're really going to like, bro.)

BRIAN KELLY BACK??? Right again, as the siren song of the Philadelphia Eagles proved a little too out of tune to woo His Purpleness away from South Bend. It's not known what's spooking so many candidates at the last minute. Maybe it's too much Nude Ron Jaworski. Or maybe it's not enough.

BILL YOUNG NOT BACK :( Because, according to Mike Gundy, he's too old to coach. Bill Snyder can't hear that noise, Gundy, mostly because his Lazarus chamber is pretty soundproof.

MOURNING THE WAC. Something quietly beautiful died, and most of you didn't even pay attention. Rodger Sherman says that's not okay. THAT IS NOT OKAY.

MIKE STOOPS WISHES YOU WELL AND WONDERS IF YOU HAVE A FAMILY HISTORY OF CARDIAC DISEASE. Look, he didn't say Manziel was LIKELY to run into trouble. Just that it was possible! Like the brakes on your car failing for no reason! No he wasn't in your garage you're being paranoid now go to sleep of course that's not gas you smell!

ETC. Happy birthday, Carl Weathers! We got you this exotic tropical vacation, complete with ecotourism!