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NICK SABAN IS ALWAYS DOING SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT

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WHERE IS MY ICEBERG WEDGE? AND WHAT IS THIS RANCH SHIT? (Mandatory Credit: Matthew Emmons-US PRESSWIRE)
WHERE IS MY ICEBERG WEDGE? AND WHAT IS THIS RANCH SHIT? (Mandatory Credit: Matthew Emmons-US PRESSWIRE)

At this very moment, Nick Saban is doing something very important. He is reviewing film, or catching up on his players' development as people, or perhaps talking to boosters about the important things that need to be done in the Alabama football program's ongoing collection of gigantic buildings and video screens. He is processing things, and then reprocessing them until they are as close to perfect as mortals can make them.

THWACK. *dangit*

He has the legendary door closer remote. He spends eight hours discussing how camp will be conducted. He consults Bill Belichick and then does exactly what Bill Belichick says to do because Bill Belichick just picks up the phone for Nick Saban because process respects process.

THWACK. *Well that's a nicer, one, Jamie? Beautiful day, ain't it?*

Nick Saban does not even eat without purpose or efficiency. The Process Salad:

Then there's lunch itself. He has it down to a science -- another in a series of small efficiency measures. Every day, Saban sits at this very table and works through his lunch hour while eating the same exact meal: a salad of iceberg lettuce and cherry tomatoes topped with turkey slices and fat-free honey Dijon dressing. No time wasted studying a menu.

Not even a second wasted on lunch, mind you: it's all that important. You are not paying Nick Saban to be normal. You are paying him to have eight hour meetings about simple things, and to not sleep ever, and to Skype with recruits and recruit and recruit and be the ruthless killing machine he wants to be twenty four hours a day whether he has a job or not.

MEANWHILE, ON A GOLF COURSE IN SOUTH CAROLINA...

Yeahhh, funny how some people work when it all washes out. Hey, Jamie, hand me a beer. Let's tee up another nine before we head back to the office, okay? Sounds good.