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STOP SPINNIN'. IT AIN'T WORKIN'. Tyler Lockett, he likes your fer-oh-sity.

For an instant we thought about leading with Nick Saban's tirade at reporters about how doing their job and writing "Alabama is very good, and will likely throttle tiny Western Kentucky in two quarters" was damaging his team. But if we're going to post delusion, let's make it entertaining delusion, and not a man who makes a ridiculous amount of money berating reporters about their inability to produce news consonant with Nick Saban's coaching points. You think he likes that mask? It's hot as shit, but he wears it for you, dammit.

WHAT YOU SHOULD WATCH: This piece on LSU's own Chad Jones, who had his leg nearly destroyed in a car accident just after he was drafted. He is running, and hopes to play in 2013. We have no idea how any of this happened, but there is film and it is amazing, and really seriously don't watch it if you don't want to see a leg that looks like it had a hatchet taken to it.

SPEAKING OF GORY INJURIES. No, this makes no sense whatsoever, LSU fan, so it makes total sense.

NUMERICAL. Which like all week one things, celebrates the wonders of a very small sample size. (For example, Tavon Austin's insane catchpoints.)

THE AMAZING IOWA/IOWA STATE RIVALRY. It gives, and then it just keeps on giving.

WHAT COACH WOULD HAVE AN OLD WOMAN INJURED DURING A BLOCKING DRILL AT THE LADIES' CAMP? If your guess was not "Bo Pelini, who is now being sued by said old woman," then you really need to remember that Bo Pelini is tree-barking insane, and evidently drives the ladies into frothing lusty frenzy with his mere presence.

WELL HELLO TAILGATING. Holly did a long and very important interview with the lady who runs the Southern Living test kitchen about tailgating. Make fried chicken that does not taste like heated beef jerky, and she will be very impressed with you.

RIP FUCKIN' TORN. Did you know he was an Aggie, and not just any Aggie, but a member of the Cadets? Did you know that the Aggies GAVE RIP TORN A SWORD? Pffft, and y'all said they weren't ready for the SEC. HORSESHIT: you weren't ready for them, since they were the university that birthed the man who would later hit Norman Mailer in the head with a hammer and get so drunk he broke into a bank because HE THOUGHT IT WAS HIS HOUSE.

ETC: Amazing moments in the life of a Notre Dame beat writer, courtesy of reddit/r/cfb. One day we will rank the fanbases of this nation by dumbness. Our hypothesis: when we subtract the fifty really brilliant Notre Dame fans who know football from this number, you will have the football-stupidest fanbase in the nation.