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ALL HAIL THE ALPHABETICAL: BONUS MATERIAL

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1. The Alphabetical is up. It's rusty, just like everyone else associated with college football in week one.

2. It's so hard to get a read on Alabama's actual skill because Michigan not only got outranked at every position, but then threw themselves into the jaws of Alabama's desired game plan with the bizarre decision not to run Denard Robinson and make Alabama play against Michigan's few strengths. Al Borges still has no idea what a "Denard Robinson" is, and there goes that beautiful, fragile F1 car into the wall, ape arms waving in panic the whole time.

3. We repeat: Michigan still stood no chance of winning this game, and then T.J. Yeldon ran the ball.

4. We mentioned little about Auburn/Clemson, mostly because the results of that game seem really indeterminate for both. Auburn's defense played way, way better than you might think they would have, but still got shot up for 320 yards on the ground and 528 overall without Clemson's best player on the field. Meanwhile, Clemson did all that and still had to ground-and-pound out a late drive to seal the game. We suspect everything about this game is a lie. YOU ARE SO RIGHT, DAN MULLEN. (Just not in the way you suspect.)

5. Texas State beating Houston would be weird if Kevin Sumlin hadn't just left, but yeah, that happens when in first games for programs like Houston, and Washington State, and Minnesota (three overtimes against UNLV!) and everyone else who is basically three happy thoughts from the shit-trough of college football.

6. We enjoyed no bad game more than Georgia Tech/Virginia Tech if only to watch Paul Johnson call ROCK ROCK ROCK ROCK ROCK ROCK ROCK ROCK for an entire four quarters and change.

7. We have no hope for Florida football whatsoever, and feel as bad about it as we ever have until next week, when we will repeat this sentence and extend the horizon for new lows.

8. We really miss Pitbull. For real.