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KIRK FERENTZ ON THAT HUSTLE

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Kirk Ferentz touches the solid platinum skullplate he had implanted in the 2011 offseason. Whole skull's gonna be chromed by 2014.  (Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)
Kirk Ferentz touches the solid platinum skullplate he had implanted in the 2011 offseason. Whole skull's gonna be chromed by 2014. (Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)
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What you know about that buyout life? Dan Beebe can't tell it all, but he can flash fat stacks and let you know that it's so much better than you can imagine. Buyouts are a sign you've risen to a level of specialty in your profession so prized and so very rare that the very notion of changing jobs must be booby-trapped with horrendous financial penalties for all concerned. Either that, or your agent planted a bag of heroin in the President's car, and dialed 9-1 and waited for the University President to decide if he wanted to pay up or find out how fast police dogs really can bring down a sixty year old man at a full sprint.

Both situations are pretty dang cool in their own right and deeply familiar to Kirk Ferentz. Iowa is 2-2, and it's a gnarly 2-2 even by Kirk Ferentz's unpretty football standards: a 9-6 loss to Iowa State, two wins by a combined twelve points over UNI and Northern Illinois, and this weekend's loss to Central Michigan. This leads to talks of the Big Ten's longest-tenured coach being fired. This leads to some deeply misleading but very fun equivalencies for what it would take to do that thanks to Kirk Ferentz having a hypnotist for an agent.

To buy out Kirk Ferentz, the University of Iowa would have to pay him:

  • The sum of 200 Lao citizen's average GDP per capita monthly
  • The price of rescuing 64,000 dogs monthly from a shelter (dump 'em all in Paul Rhoads' lawn)
  • 48,517 Maid-Rite loose meat sandwiches sent via air mail anywhere in the United States every month. (Send 'em to Adam Jacobi! He'll build a fortress of 'em, and let the rats share the bounty!)
  • 2,500 Ricky Stanzi Iowa Fatheads purchased monthly.
  • $1,667 monthly memberships to Crossfit (so you can feel the burn of rhabdo personally)
  • Pay 17.24 Chuck Grassley (Senator, Iowa) salaries annually.

That total: somewhere around $21.1 million through the year 2020, or equivalent to about $250,000 a month. Not even mad, Kirk Ferentz: just in awe of the hustle, and of your godlike agent whose life story was the uncredited basis for The Prestige. Not that you aren't your own magician, since the most Iowa thing ever would be to get off to this horrendous a start, and then end up winning the Big Ten. (Totally possible thanks to rank-ass 2012 Big Tenness.)