Jimbo FIsher's West Virginia is set to overdrive this morning, meaning your need for hunting dog metaphors has been filled to capacity and then topped off just in case. On the Heisman:
"Wanna be a show dog or a huntin’ dog?" Jimbo on Heisman. "Heisman is a popularity contest." Says he'd rather have a huntin' dog. Calls Manuel his huntin’ dog. "I’d hunt w/ him"
That's some quality moonshine patter there, but it could go a step further. A huge win over Clemson, a punishing display of offensive firepower, and Fisher clearly growing into the hilljack Caesar Florida State fans demand in their football coaches is one thing, but recruiting, coaching, and facilities improvement can only go so far.
Clearly, what Jimbo Fisher needs is to embrace the sexy sideburn power within him.
Commenter harper.rb at Tomahawk Nation hatched the concept, but let's refine and illustrate just how necessary a pair of thumpin' sexy sideburns is to pushing Florida State back into dynasty mode.
"Ma'am, I know you want your son to go somewhere else, but I believe Florida State is the best place for your son to become the man he could be. I promise you that."
Recruit's mother: "I'm sorry, but my baby ain't goin' to Tally."
Now, compare the results when Jimbo Fisher activates sexy Conway Twitty Sideburn powers:
"I'm sorry, ma'am, lemme just rephrase that..."
"Hey, darlin'. Don't need no syrup for those pancakes, cause you look sweet enough already. Can I get a 'Go Noles," honey, and a signature here?"
[SHE THROWS HER CHILD AT JIMBO FISHER AND MAKES HIM PANCAKES]
SITUATION TWO: A REST STOP SOMEWHERE IN THE FLORIDA PANHANDLE.
"Aw, y'all, I'm sorry, I can't find my wallet, I'm...can I just go back to that recruit's house and--"
"Sorry sir, you're gonna have to leave that here."
CONCLUSION: Clearly, science has proven what we already suspected: that only gigantic personal mudflaps for Jimbo Fisher's face stand between greatness and the Florida State football program. We know: this will cause us much pain as Florida fans, but sometimes life's about more than your petty concerns. This is about destiny, and sideburns, and we can't and won't get in the way of either.