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Defeated UCLA players were force to eat Jim L. Mora's famous Cinnamon Toast Crunch Omelette. Don't even ask what Washington State had for dinner. All I'm saying is that it was non-toxic. Probably.

FLORIDA STATE = BACK? The Seminoles walked away with a comfortable victory over Clemson, and Andy Staples doesn't see much left on the Florida State schedule that poses a challenge. You know what, you just keep throwing shade at Frank Spaziani, Staples. Boston College is getting closer and closer to turning the corner and wait why are none of Spaziani's office keys working what the hell are you giving me this COBRA form for?

NOTRE DAME = BACK! "When officers knocked on the door, the suspect answered and threatened a deputy and his K-9 dog." This is not even one of the top 3 bizarre facts in a crime story that is 14 sentences long.

MARK DANTONIO, ASPIRING JEOPARDY! JUGGERNAUT. "Who is Zoroaster? NEXT QUESTION." "What are the noble gases? NEXT QUESTION." "WHATISTHEDEUTERAGONISTNEXTQUESTION." Dantonio is so coldly efficient here that his circulatory system is only shunting blood to his brain, ears, and vocal cords. I'LL TAKE ANDREW MAXWELL BETTER NOT SMILE THIS WEEK FOR $600, ALEX.

THESE THINGS ARE ALL RELATIVE. See? Dantonio looks positively welcoming compared to Steve Spurrier. This is why Steve Spurrier would be the greatest Supreme Court litigator of all time. "The Alien Enemies Act ain't worth the paper it's written on, and the dang Fourth Circuit wouldn't know deference to the finder of fact if it slapped 'em on the ass. I don't need to take questions."

ETC. This is why I played tennis as a child. It's red because the bomb is barbecue flavored. You got a lot of nerve calling Ric Ocasek "zoologically improbable," buddy. Sometimes you have to find out you're not a dolphin the hard way. "In America, so long as no one else gets hurt, you're allowed to be as big a fuck up as you can dream of." Wise words, indeed.



Dammit, you always find us, Ahmad Dixon, but we're still going to keep using the pantry as a hiding place. Hiding under a tablecloth while holding a box of Ritz Bits may not be effective, but it is delicious.