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TWO SCIENTISTS MADE YOU A: COLLIN KLEIN

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[ring ring]

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Hello? This is Dr. Smartula.

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Hello Dr. Smartula. We are Two Scientists.

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Did you assemble the cinnamon-scented flamethrower I asked for?

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You told us of no such thing.

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I know! That's the worst part because I need one so very badly right now! Help me, Two Scientists!

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Of course. We have just what you need:

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WE MADE YOU ....A COLLIN KLEIN!

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A modern quarterback with Jurassic genes

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He's runs on pure courage and excretes benzene

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The benzene thing is kind of bad, because it's quite toxic

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With his play or his byproducts he leaves defenses hypoxic!

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Works by photosynthesis so there's no need to feed

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Unlike the Tim Tebow he's programmed to read

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A four point GPA is only the start

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He's impervious to bullets, defense and art

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That's correct we showed him paintings

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His emotions were blank

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He's not heartless he's just artless

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Less man and more tank

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It took all the power that we could employ

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But we built Bill Snyder a real boy

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Having proved we can science up Pinocchio

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We're gonna make a million dollars building sex robots in Tokyo

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His life's story's quite famous

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This claim is outrageous

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But true, Scientist One

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Robert Ludlum took it all

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And forgot to pay us

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Collin Klein's biography is that of Jason Bourne's

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Too violent for film, too sexy for porn!

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Had to tone down the details to get to to the screen

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When the lawsuit goes through we'll be swimming in green

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That's if we're not killed--

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(And if we were we'd be thrilled)

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--BY COLLIN KLEIN--

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The Manhattan Project in the form of a man

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Recognized as a god in the Southern Sudan

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Ample cupholders and reclinable seats

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Collin Klein seats four normals and seven petites

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Obeys speed limits on all city streets

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No worries for his seating, since he's already there

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Collin Klein is his own captain's chair

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That's impossible, son.

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You're correct, my friend

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Is he man or mini-van?

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He's an unholy blend....

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A COLLIN KLEIN

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No need for repairs with scissors and duct tape

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The Collin Klein is made of nothing but duct tape

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Cuts made in his flesh reveal nothing but duct tape

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Can't destroy a COLLIN KLEIN because duh, it's all duct tape

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Married real young so he's ready to breed

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Producing Collin Clones with his robot seed

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Maturing quickly in a span of just two short years

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A peerless man is forced to make his own peers

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Losing to the Sooners

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It's part of his cover

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He's impossible to tackle

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And an easy lover

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During the production process

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We drank a bit much

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So the Collin Klein's equipped

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With an iPod touch

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It's his most useless feature

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An error at best

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But now we've explained

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That glowing square in his chest

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He can play the mandolin and the piano, too

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And we'll add a smoothie maker when we build version 2

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Sure, he lost to Coach Petrino in the Cotton Bowl

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Too bad Collin Klein owns the Arkansas Highway Patrol

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Can run a single wing

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Prefers pork and not brisket

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Best believe the Collin Klein rides with Wheat-Thins not Triscuits

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And dont' even mention rice crackers

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He'll get quiet angry about that

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Uncontrollably so.

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Ummm---

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A COLLIN KLEIN!

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He's beautiful, gentlemen! Can he play in the NFL?

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He won't ever need to because Bill Belichick will just turn him into 38 first round draft picks somehow, all without playing a snap. He'll get his pension, too!

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Great work, Two Scientists! I'm calling from someone's house! No idea whose! Just woke up here. Got to go!

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They've got dogs, Dr. Smartula?

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Ha-ha, yes! Gigantic ones! Smoke Chesterfields, gentlemen!

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Smoking away, sir!

FIN