[ring ring]
Hello? This is Dr. Smartula.
Hello Dr. Smartula. We are Two Scientists.
Did you assemble the cinnamon-scented flamethrower I asked for?
You told us of no such thing.
I know! That's the worst part because I need one so very badly right now! Help me, Two Scientists!
Of course. We have just what you need:
WE MADE YOU ....A COLLIN KLEIN!
A modern quarterback with Jurassic genes
He's runs on pure courage and excretes benzene
The benzene thing is kind of bad, because it's quite toxic
With his play or his byproducts he leaves defenses hypoxic!
Works by photosynthesis so there's no need to feed
Unlike the Tim Tebow he's programmed to read
A four point GPA is only the start
He's impervious to bullets, defense and art
That's correct we showed him paintings
His emotions were blank
He's not heartless he's just artless
Less man and more tank
It took all the power that we could employ
But we built Bill Snyder a real boy
Having proved we can science up Pinocchio
We're gonna make a million dollars building sex robots in Tokyo
His life's story's quite famous
This claim is outrageous
But true, Scientist One
Robert Ludlum took it all
And forgot to pay us
Collin Klein's biography is that of Jason Bourne's
Too violent for film, too sexy for porn!
Had to tone down the details to get to to the screen
When the lawsuit goes through we'll be swimming in green
That's if we're not killed--
(And if we were we'd be thrilled)
--BY COLLIN KLEIN--
The Manhattan Project in the form of a man
Recognized as a god in the Southern Sudan
Ample cupholders and reclinable seats
Collin Klein seats four normals and seven petites
Obeys speed limits on all city streets
No worries for his seating, since he's already there
Collin Klein is his own captain's chair
That's impossible, son.
You're correct, my friend
Is he man or mini-van?
He's an unholy blend....
A COLLIN KLEIN
No need for repairs with scissors and duct tape
The Collin Klein is made of nothing but duct tape
Cuts made in his flesh reveal nothing but duct tape
Can't destroy a COLLIN KLEIN because duh, it's all duct tape
Married real young so he's ready to breed
Producing Collin Clones with his robot seed
Maturing quickly in a span of just two short years
A peerless man is forced to make his own peers
Losing to the Sooners
It's part of his cover
He's impossible to tackle
And an easy lover
During the production process
We drank a bit much
So the Collin Klein's equipped
It's his most useless feature
An error at best
But now we've explained
That glowing square in his chest
He can play the mandolin and the piano, too
And we'll add a smoothie maker when we build version 2
Sure, he lost to Coach Petrino in the Cotton Bowl
Too bad Collin Klein owns the Arkansas Highway Patrol
Can run a single wing
Prefers pork and not brisket
Best believe the Collin Klein rides with Wheat-Thins not Triscuits
And dont' even mention rice crackers
He'll get quiet angry about that
Ummm---
A COLLIN KLEIN!
He's beautiful, gentlemen! Can he play in the NFL?
He won't ever need to because Bill Belichick will just turn him into 38 first round draft picks somehow, all without playing a snap. He'll get his pension, too!
Great work, Two Scientists! I'm calling from someone's house! No idea whose! Just woke up here. Got to go!
They've got dogs, Dr. Smartula?
Ha-ha, yes! Gigantic ones! Smoke Chesterfields, gentlemen!
Smoking away, sir!
FIN