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IIIIIIICE CREAAAAAAAAAAAAAM. There is little funnier than burly men in pads running like diabetic children to the pealing bells of an ice cream truck.

Guy Morriss, driving the truck for money and not love, is all out of Fat Frogs and Starbursts, and that's just tough shit for y'all. Nah, I'm not Guy Morriss. Y'all must be thinking of someone else. STOP LOOKING AT ME.

PURGATORY IS LIKE 6-6 OR SO. We have a feature on the preseason rankings hell and its various circles. In writing this, we remembered several things.

  • Mike Dubose won an SEC title at Alabama, a real boost to Steve Spurrier's argument that a gorilla in a tie could probably win one conference title there. (Keeping it going before you're killed by the locals is the trick.)
  • Florida, Florida State, and Texas could have been mentioned way, way more than they were, but you already knew that.
  • You think people will get measured about Notre Dame one day, and then you remember that as recently as 2006 we all had them at one or two. We also thought "Yeah, this Wale guy is gonna be the next Nas!" People in the past are stupid, don't listen to them about anything.

It's also the most Italian thing in the world to put treachery in hell's basement instead of things like "mass murder," but whatever, Dante. You were a middle-aged guy madly in love with a teenager. You clearly had issues. *

*With this qualification, he would have certainly made a great recruitnik.

READ THAT LAST PARAGRAPH CAREFULLY. Wright Thompson got the full-access treatment to Urban Meyer, something he's never really granted anyone in a coaching situation, and pretty much nails the weirdass, ciphery personality of Meyer in his longform profile of him. One key point about Meyer is that he was never really likable as a head coach, so it's nice to see that Meyer doesn't even really seem to like himself a whole lot, and really never has.If that's a puff piece we disagree with your definition, but the last paragraph in particular is really, really interesting. <--arches eyebrows, invites literary discussion.

GUMPCYCLE AHOY! The unthinkable becomes the real through the unguided hands of madmen. They made this. Blame them.

THIS CERTAINLY WON'T BE A PROBLEM AGAINST A NICK SABAN DEFENSE. Michigan will need to do some juggling in the backfield against Alabama, and that's certainly not an issue at all noooooope.

ABOUT THAT PENN STATE SHIRT. It wasn't as bad as you imagine, and it certainly wasn't in the official Penn State bookstore. This and the Calvin peeing on the logo of a rival school are both unofficial pieces of memorabilia, and will wind up in the clutches of your dumbest fans.

ALREADY GETTING LEACH-Y. Washington State's new punter will run a devastating run fake.

ETC: "But honey, it wasn't me. It was the stress." Hey, high-fivin' crazy truck driver! You're on fire! The Statler Brothers' suits' in Smokey and the Bandit 2 are more patriotic than a bald eagle humping the Lincoln Memorial. [THROWS TABLE THROUGH WINDOW SCREAMING M-I-CROOKED-LETTAH] At last, a superhero for the protein crowd. Oh, that's not a nice text to send to anyone.