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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 8/31/2012

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DO NOT TAKE THIS MAN'S BACON OR HIS FOOTBALL. Okay, he's a Wazzu fan. After two quarters last night, you could have felt free to take his football away from him because it was hurting him deeply.

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The Cougars debut was a slow-moving disaster, but credit BYU for smacking the hide off of whatever popped up in the crosshairs all night. Coug Center suggests that Wazzu looked like a team thinking about playing football rather than playing, something BYU was too busy cracking helmets to worry about doing. They weren't even polite about it, really, with BYU piling up a shocking number of personal foul penalties. Per our experience, this probably means they are a good football team, and that fact-checking this assertion will confirm our guess.

YES THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS. We love you forever, Andre Parker. Oh, killjoys, that is great to point out that he could not advance the ball. You understand nothing about joy. It never checks the rule book, and doesn't care how many times you say the impossible or illegal can't be done.

SOUTH CAROLINA IS THE EXACT SAME TEAM THEY WERE LAST YEAR. Except without a tall receiver for jump balls, and with the savvy to commit pass interference with the game is on the line.

TRIPLE OVERTIME, MINNESOTA. But a win is a win, even if it's the stale win with someone else's bite marks all over it.

NOT THE RIGHT COMBINATION OF WORDS. Beating Northern Arizona can encourage some extremely unsound combinations of words.

MAYBE YOU CAN USE THE PARKING LOT, BUTTHORNS. USC won't make the LA Coliseum available to opponents for walk-throughs this season due to an overuse issue with the turf, and also because Lane Kiffin just signed you up for all kinds of great email lists, opposing coach. Good luck getting off that Best Buy list, bitch. IT WILL FOLLOW YOU TO YOUR GRAVE.

ETC: "Our former general manager starred in the movie "Kindergarten Ninja" about a couple of druglords that try to take over a preschool." The week in GIFs: here to give your computer epilepsy.