clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:


New, 1126 comments

The USA Today Coaches Poll brings together continental breakfast journalism and the spirit of "you do you, i'mma do me" and the result? PURE SCIENCE.


But science has a weakness: it can be HACKED. With the help of reverse engineering nanobots, which are definitely not just a combination of techno-words I've heard in movies, we have learned much about the previously anonymous ballots behind this preseason ranking.

  • LSU took the top spot, despite Alabama having the highest number of first-place votes, because some SIDs think that responding to Nick Saban's threats would be tantamount to negotiating with terrorists. We mourn their families and pets ahead of time.
  • USC comes in at number 3 after rumors spread that receiver Robert Woods has been dead for eleven days. These rumors are true, and Woods will still haul in twelve passes for 178 yards and two touchdowns against Notre Dame.
  • The sole first-place vote for Oklahoma came from UCF coach George O'Leary, who noted that Landry Jones might be the best quarterback in the country and further emphasized that he feeds off the sadness of others "like a lamprey of souls."
  • Oregon starts fifth but is expected to jump quickly, thanks to the warp whistles Nike has integrated into the team's mouthpieces this year.
  • Several ballots were submitted on carbon copy paper and dated August 1, 1992, which explains why Georgia and Florida State sit at 6 and 7, respectively.
  • The Wolverines enter the poll in the eighth position due to a tabulation error. USA Today assures us they have explained to their interns that "Michigan St." does not stand for "Michigan - Stupendous!"
  • South Carolina and Arkansas earned spots nine and ten after strong showings in bowl games and SSSSSSSTARE INTO MIKE SSSSSLIVESSSSSSS EYESSSSSSSSS
  • West Virginia was originally voted into the seventh spot but got bumped down to eleven after everyone agreed that they were not prepared to hear Dana Holgorsen talk about his "top ten dong."
  • Wisconsin and Michigan State were ranked twelve and thirteen after USA Today could not confirm that several entries listing "Rose Bowl" and "not being filthy Southern illiterates" in the top two spots actually came from Jim Delany's office.
  • Clemson is ranked number fourteen, because even the most violent and dangerous of roller coasters has to start from a position of relative balance.
  • Texas and Nebraska are numbers fifteen and sixteen as several SIDs mistakenly thought they were responding to a Family Feud poll asking them to name some place you would not prefer to undergo a medical procedure of any kind.
  • TCU starts out the poll at 17 because it returns seven starters on defense, or at least that's what we're assuming Hector Salamanca was trying to tell us.
  • The teams at 18-21 were selected by Quick Pick. The Powerball team is Memphis, so this lottery ticket has already lost.
  • Boise State starts the year at 22 after a test group of Ohio State sports radio callers determined that position was "just overrated enough."
  • Number 23 is Florida, thanks to Will Muschamp's Summer Sun Belt Arm Wrasslin' Tournament, which was not sanctioned because you can't just break into a coach's house and force him to put his ballot on the line in a battle of pythons.
  • Notre Dame and Auburn round out the poll at 24 and 25. This result was entirely fabricated by USA Today, who feared that leaving both teams out would result in a butthurt overload that our nation's infrastructure could not support.