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An ecstatic Les Miles greeted the press in his favorite hat.
An ecstatic Les Miles greeted the press in his favorite hat.

BATON ROUGE - The Louisiana State Tigers cemented their status as SEC West favorites and a national preseason number one Friday by dismissing a 5'9" liability in their secondary. Mathieu, most notorious for an insufferable, dead horse nickname and his utter inability to cover future NFL receivers, is expected to be replaced by a normal-sized, fully functioning cornerback.

"The issue at hand here is a fundamental behavior. He was short, which is fundamental. He had a terrible, overplayed nickname based on an internet video your aunt liked. Your aunt liking a video means Tyrann Mathieu is not on our football team. You people need better taste in Internet videos."

LSU will replace Tyrann Mathieu at punt returner with Odell Beckham. Odell Beckham is faster and better than Tyrann Mathieu ever was, according to people who watch LSU football. He will also never take alleged pictures of his genitals that end up on, according to Les Miles.

"I can promise you a lot of things about this team. No one on this team will quit. And if they do send pictures of their genitals to people, it will be with Polaroids. You can always burn those. A Polaroid is not forever, but it can wind up in the wrong hands. Sorry about that, Governor Jindal. I really am, both on behalf of my family and the LSU football team. Please come back to our Christmas party this year."

In short, Miles believed the team would be stronger for his loss.

"Tyrann Mathieu was literally the worst player in college football. I wish him the best in his future endeavors like walking down the stairs without falling, and also not getting kicked off his next football team. Have a great day."

The rest of the internet agreed that LSU will probably replace Mathieu's replacements with even faster swamp-mutants, and will still lose two games you cannot explain through string theory, theology, or even in simple picture-stories designed for the pre-literate toddler, because they are LSU, and this is just what LSU does, man.