We're still on the road somewhere in the American West. BOY YOU PEOPLE DON'T CARE ABOUT COLLEGE FOOTBALL AT ALL. We tested this by Gator chomping madly as we pushed past a 16 year old Jumpstreet employee, hit the trampoline hard like a Russian, and then landed joyously in the foam pit before earning a lifetime ban. They didn't even talk conference shit back at us, which is so very disappointing.
Anyway, let's SEC-ize the Olympics right quick while we're thinking about it and have a tiny amount of time between important, low-humidity social obligations in the Mountain State.
Archery: No changes.
Basketball: Ask Kentucky, because they're the only ones who care.
Boxing: Controversial international points system replaced by Nick Saban seeing which fighter really wants this grayshirt.
Clean and Jerk: NOT AN EVENT DO NOT LISTEN TO REX GROSSMAN.
Diving: Competitors try to amaze the crowd with increasingly complex tricks. But Dad isn't paying attention. He never is.
Equestrian: WE'RE JUST GONNA RUN DONKEY RACES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BRISTOL NIGHT RACE AND SEE WHO SURVIVES.
Fencing: Epee and saber replaced with buck knives and rakes. Points are scored when blood and scream.
Triathlon: Shoot protected game fish with unlicensed handgun. Swim away from state game and wildlife officials. Steal children's bike when you reach shore. Ditch bike, run until caught. Competitors ranked on "Total Distance Before Tasing."
Hammer throw: An actual hammer, thrown at Todd because he's a dick and INCOMING, TODD! YEAH? WHAT?
Handball: Formal dress event. You must dine and waltz with Vanderbilt O-Line Coach Herb Hand...and not fall in love!
Canoe/Kayak: Same whitewater course, but with flat of Keystone Light and unsecured infant in boat. Losing the beer is an instant DQ.
Golf: We only play 14 holes, and then claim superiority over other conferences that play a full 18. BUT THOSE HOLES ARE HARD, PAWWWLLLLL.
- Rings: two tire swings. Do the splits between 'em and you get the gay medal.
- Parallel bars: Sharkey's on one side of the street, Hammerheads on the other, and Stephen Garcia runnin' relays in between, son.
- Floor exercise. Bobby Petrino is winking so hard right now.
- Trampoline: double-bounce duel format. First to fly into the woodpile over there loses.
- Pummel horse: it sounds savage, but your hand will break before the horse does.
- Vault: Steal ATM from convenience store, open in less than 20 minutes using only a Leatherman and a can of WD-40.
Judo: Gis replaced by Carhartt Jackets; bare feet swapped out for cowboy boots. Nutpunching with double-nut rattle and vomiting ends match instantly.
Modern Pentathlon: ATV dressage, paintball, inner-tubing, the Electric slide, "dip."
Racewalking: What we're calling the Egg Bowl this year.
Rowing: [/slaps outboard motor on back] [/blasts David Allan Coe] [races ahead with two middle fingers in air] [coxswain is a miserable, seasick Nick Saban]
Rugby: Also known as "SEC Football"
Sailing: Done with catamarans only. First to flip the boat and lose the deposit wins. Must be done with yard-long Panama City beach margarita in hand.
Shooting: Oh, hell yes.
Swimming: All events done in dark, full-length blue jeans.
Table Tennis: Paddles replaced by funnel cakes.
Volleyball, Indoor: A pinata is hung carelessly inside a garage and an aluminum bat is produced. NOBODY CALLS THE COPS YOU GOT IT.
Wrestling: Multidisciplinary judged event mixing gymnastics, kabuki, extemporaneous public speaking, and grappling. Principal rivals: Japan, Mexico. Judging: corrupt. Spanish language announcers' table: already doomed. The James Franklin flying elbow: required element.