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It's not their fault, because it's a disease. (Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)
It's not their fault, because it's a disease. (Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)
Getty Images

So we did this on Twitter last week, but only did about 20 teams total, and it felt...skimpy. This being Friday in the offseason, the day of the glorious timekiller, we expanded the concept to do each BCS conferences by attendant appropriate drug. We skipped the Big East on the basis that the Big East is its own substance abuse problem. Enjoy, addicts.

ALABAMA: Cocaine. Undefeated, except for the big blank spots in the record taken by criminal sanction. Powerful. Can turn you into an unbelievable asshole. Expensive, and has a strong correlation with criminal behavior. Brought to you by a vast, shadowy cartel.

AUBURN: Knockoff cocaine. Strong correlation with criminal behavior. High highs; lows often associated with cash-only exchanges. Brought to you by a small, shadowy cartel.

FLORIDA: Meth. Really only got big after 1990. Violent binges interspersed with long dormant periods. Commonalities: scaly skin, high profit margins, chews through management quickly, occasional disastrous explosions.

GEORGIA: Unsure about Georgia. Zero pattern, pretty good but not great, numbing...Xanax. UGA is Xanax.

LSU: Bourbon. Fuel for great achievements and ill-advised sexual escapades. Might make love to you. Might kill you with a shovel. Damages long term memory with repeated exposures.

TENNESSEE: Ketamine. Creates a trapped, hole-like experience for the user. Label on vial says "For use on subhuman primates only."

VANDERBILT: Nutmeg. Horrible visions, nausea, the last resort of desperate sailors.

KENTUCKY: Methadone. The sad substitute for the drug you cannot get.

TEXAS A&M: Acid. The drug most compatible with creating cults. Wild visions, never wears off. Makes you say things like, "hey, did you notice dog and God are the same words?"

MISSISSIPPI STATE: Mescaline, because you hear bells too, right?

MIZZOU: Over-the-counter ephedrine pills. Induces paranoia, sleeplessness, inability to sit still. May cause you to ice own kicker.

OLE MISS: Keyboard cleaner.

SOUTH CAROLINA: Gas-huffing. Hard to explain the appeal to non-devotees. Headaches, vomiting, delusions. Users are loyal beyond all reason.

ARKANSAS: Ayahuasca. a potent hallucinogen. "A religious sacrament that makes you see demons." NAILED IT.


MICHIGAN: Opium. It's the 1930s intellectual's heroin. A gentleman's crack, if you will. (Warning: may cause lassitude, grandiose visions, and slow perception of time passing.)

MICHIGAN STATE: Absinthe. Green, bitter aftertaste, eventually eats craters in your brain.

PURDUE: Jenkem. Imaginary, impractical, turns up on the local news once every 3 or 4 years.

NORTHWESTERN: Adderall. The geek's drug. Harmless most of the time, enables overachievement, and every now and then takes a whole weekend away from you without warning.

WISCONSIN: Beer, the kind that makes you pass out and die in snowdrifts after beating the dogshit out of someone in a barfight.

NEBRASKA: Ergot poisoning. Not really a recreational drug with pleasant side effects, but then again neither is Nebraska football in the 21st century.

OHIO STATE: Weed. Wildly popular. Gets smoked by SEC football players in bowls.

INDIANA: Cyanide. Well, maybe it's not a recreational drug for you, but you're not an Indiana football fan.

IOWA: Auto-erotic asphyxiation.

MINNESOTA: Fetanyl lollipops. First you get numb. Then your teeth fall out. Then you die.

ILLINOIS: Freon. Straight out of a hotel air-conditioner.

PENN STATE: Scopolamine. Blocks memory formation.


OREGON: "a total loss of connection to conventional reality with the encounter of ineffable alien realms..." Yeah, Oregon is DMT.


USC: Just classic prescription methamphetamines. The kind classy rich people took in the 1950s. Side effects may include being awesome

OREGON STATE: Secobarbital. Reliable, and prone to periodic impaired motor function. The mellow pro's sedative.

UTAH: Chloral Hydrate. The infamous key ingredient in a "Mickey Finn." Known to knock people flat with little warning.

WASHINGTON: Fen-phen. Okay in small doses. Banned around the turn of the century for damaging side effect. May cause sudden weight loss of up to one metric Neuheisel, seven metric Gilbertsons, and 129 Bleeding Willinghams.

WASHINGTON STATE: Cooking spray (inhalant.) May cook you up a delicious Rose Bowl. May destroy your life completely.

UCLA: Quaaludes. Aren't even made anymore.

ARIZONA STATE: Meth enema. Moving fast and shitting itself all at the same time.

ARIZONA: Some jacked up cave algae miners ate off the walls of mineshafts to see neon dwarves in the desert.

CAL: 'Shrooms! Weird, sometimes beautiful visions, and also truckloads of vomiting.

STANFORD: Ritalin. Punches well above its weight, but the bursts don't last long.

BIG 12

KANSAS STATE: Prescription cold medicine. A kindly old man gives it to you. You laugh, and then it knocks you on your ass.


KANSAS: Delicious natural gas straight from the oven.

IOWA STATE: Wine coolers. That one time they worked, they really worked. And then they just made you sick as hell when you tried to replicate the results.

TEXAS: Drank. Peaked in popularity in 2005. Surprisingly expensive. Side effects may include severe torpor. Chief ingredients only available via exclusive network.

TEXAS TECH: Ether oh god the smell my head why the hell do people even do this shit---

OKLAHOMA: Whiskey. Powerful highs. Side effects may include impotence problems in certain high-pressure situations.

OKLAHOMA STATE: Malt liquor, because it's a man's drink, and it comes in a 40.

TCU: Cane Toad. Because there is a horned frog in front of you, and it's walking on its hind legs and smiling.

BAYLOR: Lambada, the forbidden dance, which is still basically all of them at Baylor.


FLORIDA STATE: Ecstasy. Big in the 90s. Usually ended up with you in some sort of native costume. Comedown is horrible.

GEORGIA TECH: Spice. The synthetic weed you smoke when you want to clear a job interview, but also want to possibly rob a liquor store, too. Also: MADE IN A LAB.

UNC: Rohypnol. You won't remember a thing the next day.

NC STATE: Generic tequila. Sadly, you'll remember everything the next day.

BOSTON COLLEGE: Sober, and that's the worst part.

VIRGINIA TECH: Some clear homemade liquid in a jar that makes you see snakes coming out of people's eyes. It is also what's in Bud Foster's lunchpail, and in his gas tank. (Don't put it in a red solo cup. It will eat right through it.)

CLEMSON: Whippits. Makes everything hilarious yet seem possible. You'll only keep doing it if the guy of legal buying age gets some for your friends, too. High collapses almost immediately.

WAKE FOREST: Aspirin. You think taking enough of it would kill you, but it's amazing how much of it you can take with no positive or negative effect.

MIAMI: Cocaine, but not really because it's just baby powder you just bought for $350 from a guy named "Serge." FUCK.

VIRGINIA: Oxycontin. It's about to go off patent, but you'll keep buying the name brand because you know and respect quality

DUKE: Greenies. Were sort of in that one year Steve Spurrier was into them. Never again.

SYRACUSE: Milk of Magnesia. Doesn't really do anything except make you shit your brains out.

PITT: Pittsburgh Paint huffing. It's the only way you can the 'Stache can keep going back to 1981's "Heavy Metal" for ever, man.

MARYLAND: Powdered dodo feathers.


NOTRE DAME: Laudanum in a lead glass jar. Crippling and old-fashioned because that's how we've always done it.

USF: USF is salvia, because you talk about better drugs, but someone always butts in and asks "BUT HAVE YOU TRIED USF?

UCF: Because you talk about USF, and someone always butts in and asks "BUT HAVE YOU TRIED STEVIA" and you're like "SHUT UP THAT'S A SWEETENER AND NOT EVEN A DRUG GOD YOU ARE THE WORST, UCF FANS."

BOISE: PCP. Because even other drugs are like, "I ain't goin' near that shit."

BYU: Caffeine-free root beer loaded with enough sugar to give an ox diabetes.