Tomorrow, the NCAA will pronounce sentence upon the University of Central Florida, but waiting for the official announcement is pointless when you have the superpower of Irresponsible Speculation! (Danny Sheridan, we are but the young, timid Jean Gray to your Professor Charles Xavier.) Exclusively to you, discerning reader, we present the sanctions UCF will certainly be dealt in a matter of hours:
- Matchbox Twenty front man Rob Thomas is knighted all-time quarterback.
- Marcus and Jeffrey Jordan are named player-coaches for the Men's Basketball team and can only concoct game plans in an Omaha Embassy Suites at odds hours of the night.
- Team film files replaced with loops of recent Dane Cook stand up performances.