(The following is presented by esteemed attorney Robert Big Wheel, so please forward all complaints to him at email@example.com)
It's July, the home stretch of the offseason. Every year by now we're pretty sure who's going to win the Fulmer Cup, Georgia's already lost 3 starters to scooter injuries and we don't want to think about the awful stuff we did to get through the offseason (watching baseball). And the Olympics provide a good diversion from our miserable offeseason lives. Below please find the official EDSBS guide to the Olympics:
SPORTS RANKED BY FOOTBALLNESS
Weightlifting. In honor of former Rhodes College standout Richard Muscles. (That's Dusty Rhodes College, just to be clear.)
Rugby. It's football for kids whose mothers wouldn't sign the football permission slip.
Water Polo. If you squint at this hard enough it looks like a game on the Boise State smurf turf. They should call the gold medal match the Humanitarian Bowl.
Tune in tomorrow, where we'll have even more extremely strained connections between American football and the Olympics, both of which were created to keep extremely hostile ethnic populations from killing each other for a couple of months at a time. (Let us never forget the Battle of Myrtle Beach in 1962, where it seemed night would never come, so brightly did the mini-bottle Molotov cocktails burn.)