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HAPPY HOLGODAY. The winged mullet himself will speak at Big 12 Media Days today at 11:00 a.m. ET, leading off the day with grumbling, the kind of candor one can only find in an Air Raid coach, and possibly while wearing sunglasses or a fresh bruise on his head from a long, mysterious tumble down a flight of stairs. Prepare accordingly.

You think this will prepare you, and since it's Catlab it probably will, actually, since they're one of the few who can turn up the strange to the levels appropriate for Hologorsen. (Double entendres! Ha!)

MEDIA NEWS! OMG MEDIA NEWS! Well, more like official confirmation from SOURCES that Scott Van Pelt, reportedly resigning with ESPN for a few weeks now, is now officially signed and onboard. Van Pelt has signed a "multi-year deal," something we assume is somewhere between three and one billion years, and will be adding a few spots on Gameday as well during the season.

We spoke with him on the phone last week during SEC Media Days, and the stuff he'll be doing, while still in the works, won't be the standard park-and-talk stuff with the big three, and will definitely involve the a.) locale of the games, and b.) him looking really freaking tall on camera, since you know but really don't understand just how damn tall he is until you see him in person. He'll also continue to do golf and all the other things he does, including radio, Sportscenter, and posting pictures of his dog on Twitter.

More good people covering college football is never, ever a bad thing. Related:

SPEAKING OF SOURCES. Brett McMurphy just improved the journalistic and mustache cred of ESPN by joining them as an on-camera reporter. Please make the obvious jokes about a Joe Schad-Brett McMurphy walk-off here as long as you give McMurphy the final walk and entourage privileges. (BITCH IS FIERCE.)

THE RUSH IS ON. Penn State's roster is getting the full salad bar treatment, so if someone doesn't show up to B1G Media Days, well, you'll know what happened. PSU's admission of culpability may have opened the door for some very severe legal "mayhem," per Mr. Bobby Big Wheel, Attorney and Enlightened Cretin.

MORE LEGAL FUN. Home invasion is not something a Michigan Man does, but might be accused of doing anyway.

VIRGINIA TECH QUARTERBACKS IN 6,000 WORDS. Every QB from the past decade for VT reviewed. For the best fun, just skip down to the part where Marcus Vick goes 8-0 to start while his defense only allows NINE POINTS A GAME. Bud Foster's lunchpail will forever contain untold wonders.

THIS SHOT'S ON THEM. The Maker's Mark Academic Support Center will be the greatest recruiting tool in the history of college athletics.

WILL MUSCHAMP SAID IT. The Gator Band is off to London, and Will Muschamp tells them they played better than the football team last year.

ETC: We have always wondered this. SEVENTEEN PAGES ON BOB SEGER MY GOD.