FULMER CUP: FITZGERALD TOUSSAINT WEAVES OUT OF THE BACKFIELD

"Fitzgerald Toussaint" sounds like the protagonist of series of novels about a time-traveling Haitian pirate. He zigs! He zags! He totes his enchanted blunderbuss across centuries, amassing yardage, broken hearts, and booty from nations far and wide. He probably reunites with other cool people born on May 4th to have chill parties. Hey, Audrey Hepburn, can you get a drink for famed WWE Wrestler Mr. Fuji? THE PIRATE O' YOUNGSTOWN THANKS YE!

Time-travel is not without its mundane perils. For instance, the pirate who doubles as Michigan's 1,000 yard rusher from 2011 anchored at an unknown harbor last night, went one dram over the line and was apprehended by the local authorities for DUI. Toussaint blew a .08, just over the legal limit. Evidently Michiganders are very precise about that line, and would prefer you not even get close to it (even if you happen to be a very talented running back.)

Toussaint is suspended indefinitely. This indefinite suspension could include the season opener against Alabama, where both replacements at running back mean a lot less plausible dangerous run threat from the RB spot on zone-read plays, and basically Denard Robinson is going to have to make up the entire Michigan offense by himself when things get hard.

This already happens a lot, so suck on that useless piece of information, Alabama coaching staff. Watch another 150 hours of tape if you like HAHHAHAA no we're not kidding, you have to watch another 150 hours of Michigan tape. Leave the building and the chip in your head will explode the instant you cross the perimeter. You think Kirby Smart hasn't left by choice? Getting that thing out requires a procedure, one that nearly killed Derek Dooley and left Will Muschamp with the inability to blink. (Jimbo Fisher just sneezed his out one day, and sort of just whistled and put it in the garbage can real slick-like.)

Standard DUI is two points for Michigan in the Fulmer Cup, and is awarded for Toussaint's marginal DUI call. ROLL MOLES IN THE SALINE, MICHIGAN POLICE DEPARTMENT TIDE, PAWWLLLL.