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OH THIS IS AWESOME AND POSSIBLY THE DEATH OF THE SPORT AND NOW WE'RE JUST CONFLICTED. Oh, man, that highlight video! Of the dudes getting [pause for studio crew to get in unison] JACKED! UP!

And here's where we are: simultaneously missing football horribly, and admittedly flexing our traps watching this, and also thinking "hey isn't this the kind of free-range violence that might change the rules of the sport as we know it?" Then we feel a deep confusion, some remorse, and go back to watching the video anyway. <---EVERY FOOTBALL FAN FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS, MINIMUM. (Here, go watch Shutdown Fullback if you missed it on Friday. No one was harmed but David, who had some nasty bruises from duff'n it into the pool)

IN OTHER MOMENTS OF UTTER CONFLICT. Dasmine Cathey, former Memphis football player, was functionally illiterate when he was admitted to Memphis, something way more common than you dare think possible. There are no fewer than ten or eleven moments in this Chronicle of Higher Ed piece that knot up your innards, but this one is the worst.

The football staff gave him anything the NCAA allowed, including weight-gaining supplements. "But the boy just didn't eat," says Mr. Morrison, who now coaches at the University of Cincinnati. "I think he trained his body to survive without food." Cuddly? R. Kelly-level absurdity? We don't know, just turn on or click something cheerful to avoid letting that 100 proof sadness seep into your soul for the day.

EARTHQUAKE MACHINE, CONFISCATED. Two Ohio State Buckeyes, tight end Jake Stoneburner and offensive lineman Jack Mewhort, were arrested for public urination and fleeing the police, something we hope they were trying to do at the same time. It's dumb to run from the police, since they have guns and you most likely do not, but at least Mewhort passed this basic IQ test.

LeFever said that Mewhort later emerged from a wooded area after officers threatened to use a police dog to find him.

GOOD CALL. The two have been suspended indefinitely and dodged felony charges from an officer breaking his thumb in the chase, but it's good to see that Mark Richt has already lost control of the Urban Meyer Buckeyes.* Side note: the answer whether a comparison to Bane is flattering to the subject or not? Yes, apparently.

*Why yes, this is a running joke.

GOOD TIMES FOR A CHANGE. Notre Dame can legitimately celebrate the commitment of blue-chip linebacker prospect Jaylon Smith, but now has to worry about months and months of Urban Meyer incepting himself four levels down into his dreams. "Open the safe, Jaylon." "Oh my God, coach, it's a..24 pack of Busch Light." "It's destiny then, isn't it?"

THE WAR AGAINST SPIDERS CONTINUES. USC Running Back George Farmer--who we like already, simply because he sounds like a children's book character--had a run-in with a brown recluse spider last month. Farmer had to have the bite and some surrounding flesh scraped off, and the spider retreated to his lair, recovered, and later probably crawled into your nostrils or mouth while you slept. (Spiders: way more terrifying than birds.)

WEED TESTING BLAH ETC BLAH. The AP stumbles in six months late to the "SEC schools don't really care whether their players smoke weed or not," and proceeds to make every single mistake everyone else has already made about this story. Until you test everyone who gets a scholarship of any kind, this remains our official response.

ETC. That's not a legal beer pong move. Kurt Busch, kind of a dick just asking to get his ass beat by a reporter. "English" and "food", two words again at war with each other at even the highest levels of society. The fun part about misreading this headline is thinking that the city of South Bend and Notre Dame even care about the other's interests. Clint Dempsey, stuntin' even in high school. The Onion predicts something that will happen in MLB if Bud Selig lives long enough. The Oslo city subway map translated is sooooooo Scandinavian it hurts. Great work, man-eating vigilante marshal bear. Justin Blackmon needs an intervention and new friends and possibly new blood.