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IMPORTANT APR SCORES FROM COLLEGE FOOTBALL

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The APR came out today, so let's explain a few important scores. (View the database here, if you hate time, interesting things, and databases with clear, user-friendly query results)

  • Duke's APR score is not quantifiable in human mathematical terms. If you printed this chart, there would be a part on the printout sticking out from it so long it would spill from the page and run for the horizon like the world's longest tape measure. That is Duke's APR. Please do not print this out, both because it would be a waste of paper, and because the endless distance of Duke's APR would probably go right through buildings like a knife made of private school education and the accrued residue of Dick Vitale's endless, sweaty lust.
  • Ohio State's is fine, and those bumps will even out once he does some bodysculpting work, since he's been on this crazy mass-builder and this insane squat routine you wouldn't believe. Gonna be RIPPED. But the calf implants look good, right bro? Be honest.
  • Florida's is also fine. The missing part is an incompletion representing John Brantley.
  • Ole Miss has a terrible APR due to attrition, and a fat APR because Mississippi.
  • UC-Berkeley's isn't as good as you think it might be. They're also leaning to the left because COMMIE BEAR LIBERALS, ALL OF YOU.
  • The House of Hufflepuff, as usual, needs to step up their academic game. (But they try so hard!)
  • Alabama's is third in the SEC. Note: they did get two tries on every big test.
  • Arkansas' unique graph indicates that while low, it is trending up and includes transfers bubbling up from the community college system.
  • Mark May is facing probation and loss of goatee.
  • England, learn how to spell, and become our most "favoured" nation yet again.