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RIP, MEANINGLESS ACRONYM

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RIP, stupid acronym.  (Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)
RIP, stupid acronym. (Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)
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The BCS is dead, a substantial feat for something that never existed. The cause of death: euthanasia, overseen by no fewer than four witnesses in the room in a hotel room in Chicago, Illinois. The BCS had been troubled by illness its entire life, and was not in pain at the time of death. It was 15 years of age.

The BCS's will and testament decrees that all its possessions and estate pass to estate trustees Delany, Slive, Scott, and a brisket sandwich to be named later. In lieu of flowers, the Trusteeship asks you to instead make memorial donations to your local college football megapower's slush fund growth fund.

A brief timeline of the BCS' life-story:

1998: The BCS is born, and is troubled from the start as it immediately poops a Tennessee national title onto the table.

1999: The BCS cruelly pits Mike Vick against 11 Florida State defenders. He survives, but hallucinations of being attacked by dogs lead to later events that need no elaboration here.

2000: Chris Weinke drinks the wrong grail in the locker room during FSU pregame.

2001: The BCS' foray into career counseling proves disastrous for Eric Crouch.

2002: Jim Tressel rigs a raffle, and the winner receives a free pass interference penalty. The BCS is placed on Jim Delany's Omaha Steaks gift certificate list.

2003: Florida claims its first transitive BCS title.

2004: The BCS settles an unfortunate paternity suit by granting Auburn the Sugar Bowl and an undisclosed sum of cash. Enters rehab for several months, pledges to do better.

2005: Everything's pretty great with the BCS here, actually.

2006: Jim Delany takes the BCS off his Omaha Steaks gift certificate list.

2007: The BCS pioneers use of recreational drug known as bath salts. LSU wins first outright BCS title.

2008: Florida sells Urban Meyer's heart to BCS to feed the entity's growing need for cash to feed its bath salts habit.

2009: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATH SALTS. Alabama claims win over Texas, who is in game because, in the words of the BCS, "purple salamanders eating my braaaaainn."

2010: Everything's pretty great with the BCS, who's clean and sober and talking about making another album at this point.

2011: [slips into coma] [roll comatose tide]

The BCS was 15 years old. It leaves behind no loved ones.