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THIS WEEK IN HOWARD SCHNELLENBERGER: C-A-K-E

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QUIZ TIME. Please identify the fake Howard Schnellenberger quotes salted away in the real ones listed below, and do not place the photo below near any children. Going into early puberty is hard, and will occur instantly if they come into close contact with it.

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1. Schnelly, The Evangelist.

First thing you gotta do is go out on the mountaintops and start shouting: Football in paradise! Football in paradise! Football it’s here! Hallelujah!

2. Schnelly, aka Jerry Rivers.

I wanted to be like Geraldo Rivera.

3. Schnelly, the Iron Pimp.

"I’m leg pressing about 200 pounds," he says. "For the first time I’m not blubber anymore. I’m starting to get a hard body. Like all my girlfriends."

4. Schnelly, the Last Free Man.

"I don’t have a friggin’ Z number,"

5. Schnelly, aka Fifty Shades of Grecian Formula Are For The Weak

"Now the whip comes out."

6. Schnelly, Biologist.

"Girls don’t sweat."

7. Schnelly, Master Of His Own Corpus.

"Get up here!" Schnellenberger screams at his leg, yanking on it.

8. Schnelly, The Next Man.

I’m half a bionic man.

TRICK QUESTION: They're all real, and all from a superb profile of Schnellenberger including a gym visit with the Dapper Don himself, and a conversation with a young woman about the band Cake that had us giggle-farting in our chair. WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT CAKE? A question we all need to ask ourselves, clearly, Herr Schnellenberger.