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BROMETHEUS, PART TWO: BIG THINGS HAVE SICK, AWESOME BEGINNINGS

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By Spencer Hall
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Act One of the terrifying sci-fi thriller BROMETHEUS is here. Read it, and then proceed to BROMETHEUS, PART TWO below. Written by Luke and Orson. Warning: content is shocking, because what if God wanted you gone, or worse still, wanted you in the TIcketCity Bowl forever?

ACT DOS

FADE IN. INT WITH GIANT CREEPY CAVE. THERE'S FRENCH OR SOMETHING ALL OVER THE WALLS. IT LOOKS LIKE THE UTERUS OF A MICHIGAN FAN, SAD AND COLD AND FILLED WITH EVIL EGGS.

BROMETHEUS COMPUTER, SMARTRON 50000000000

Advise helmet use. Atmosphere not compatible with human life.

PROFESSOR DR. VRABRO also ARCHEOLOGIST

Pfff. Huffin' like a puffin on the muffin, bro.

Qhk75_medium

BROMETHEUS COMPUTER, SMARTRON 50000000000

This is simply not possible.


DR. LUKE FICKELL, PHD also ARCHAEOLOGIST

Prepped for this space shit by having big ladies sit on my face. Like a weighted vest for your lungs.


PROFESSOR DR. VRABRO also ARCHEOLOGIST

Like a gas mask that makes you pancakes and gives head.


DR. LUKE FICKELL, PHD also ARCHAEOLOGIST

Weighted vests are the SHIT!

THEY CHESTBUMP AND MAKE A SICK CLANKING NOISE BECAUSE THEY ARE BOTH WEARING WEIGHTED VESTS ON THEIR CHESTS AND THEIR DICKS. THEY WALK INTO A GIANT ROOM WITH EVIL EGGS EVERYWHERE WITH BOTANIST WALRUSFACE AND DONGBOT.

Qnmzc_medium

DONGBOT

I..I'm getting a life reading.

PROFESSOR DR. VRABRO also ARCHEOLOGIST

Is that what you call it? Quick, lemme take a picture of it. Not gay, but because just a picture of that will probably get me some Michael F. Assbending at The Sloppy Donkey.

DR. LUKE FICKELL, PHD also ARCHAEOLOGIST

Seriously not gay. Just, like, channeling runoff tang from the robot Fassdong poon flume, dude. You gotta be drowning.

BOTANIST WALRUSFACE

womff worrf borrrff ummmf borffff ummmggg arrggnnngghh borf borf worf.

PROFESSOR DR. VRABRO also ARCHEOLOGIST


Dude, I am a doctor and professor of eight languages and sciences, but I don't speak Walrus, bro.

DR. LUKE FICKELL, PHD also ARCHAEOLOGIST


BRO.


Lgwro_medium

PROFESSOR DR. VRABRO also ARCHEOLOGIST

WE FOUND THE GNC OF THE GODS.


DR. LUKE FICKELL, PHD also ARCHAEOLOGIST

OPTIMUM BLACK GOLD STANDARD? FUCKING SPACE WHEY, DUDE. THE ECOSYSTEM THEY WERE CULTIVATING UP HERE WAS FOR A MUSCLE FARM.

DONGBOT

Please refrain from touching it. We don't know what's inside it, or even what it does---

THEY ARE ALREADY CHUGGING THE PODS AND FEELINGS SWOLE AS HELL. BOTANIST BOLLMAN WANTS A TASTE OF THE BICEPBONER JUICE AND HE SIPS IT LIKE AN OLD BITCH. HE PUTS HIS HELMET BACK ON BECAUSE HE'S OLD AND HASN'T BEEN DOING LUNG CONFUSION TRAINING LIKE FICK AND THE VRABES.

DR. LUKE FICKELL, PHD also ARCHAEOLOGIST

Dude be careful. Space Whey farts need some room.

BOTANiST BOLLMAN

borff borf harrggh oops

PROFESSOR DR. VRABRO also ARCHEOLOGIST

Yeah might wanna pop a vent before you have an ass event, Boll-bro, just sayin--

WICKED FART NOISE

Prometheus-trailer-helmet-melt_medium

FAST FORWARD AHEAD BECAUSE SPACE AND DNA AND ALIENS.

Gene-smith_medium

This is Brometheus, report in. Or don't. I'm just gonna take a nap either way.

DONGBOT

We have located the central computer. It seems to be telling us something.

Mfmln_medium

OUT ON BAIL, FRESH OUT JAIL, SPECIES-MAKIN' DREAMIN'

SOON AS I STEP ON THE SCENE, YOU HEAR THE BIG TEN SCREAMIN

FIENDIN' FOR OFFENSE AND TENTACLES

PUNCH BLUE IN THE TESTICLES

IN O-H AND C-BUS, IT'S ALL BALL

ONLY WE TOOK YOUR LINEMEN AND RECRUITS TO LIVE AND DIE

A COMMIT IT AIN'T SHIT TILL SPACE JOCKEY URB SAYS TIME TO FLY

FLOSSIN BUT USE CAUTION BECAUSE WE COLLIDE WITH OTHER TEAMS

GOT YOUR FOOTBALL BONERS STRETCHIN' SEAMS INSIDE YOUR JEANS

BUMPIN' AND GRINDIN', NO BIG TEN SLOW JAM

YOU KNOW WE GO NO-HUDDLE SO WE SLOW DOWN FOR NO MAN

SAY WHAT YOU SAY

BUT TRESSELBALL'S GONE BY THE WAY

ON FOURTH DOWN WAVE THE PUNTERS AWAY

FROM MARS OUT TO PHOEBUS

ALPHA CENTAURI NEVER NEEDS US

CAUSE WE BRINGIN SPACE FOOTBALL DOWN TO C-BUS

GIMME LOOOOOOOOVE!

DONGBOT

He appears to be a humanoid hologram of some sort.

DR. LUKE FICKELL, PHD also ARCHAEOLOGIST

It's like he never died, dude. Fuckin' amazing.


PROFESSOR DR. VRABRO also ARCHEOLOGIST

What do you mean "Like?"


SOME SKIPPING AHEAD IN THE PLOT. THE OTHER WEAK SCIENCE PEOPLE WHO AREN'T AS GOOD AT SCIENCE ALL DIE WHEN MONSTERS EAT THEM IN SOME PURDUE-AFTER-DARK KIND OF SHIT. SPACE JOCKEY URBAN FILLS IN VRABRO AND FICKELL ON HIS MASTER PLAN TO ELIMINATE THE BIG TEN BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT THE NEXT STAGE IN HUMAN EVOLUTION. ACTUALLY IT TURNS OUT THEY SKIPPED A BUNCH OF SOFTWARE UPDATES. LIKE, A THOUSAND OF THEM.

Ml0ei_medium

SPACE JOCKEY URBAN

Guhh, bros, my chest hurts.



DR. LUKE FICKELL, PHD also ARCHAEOLOGIST

Garlic butter always does that to me too, bro.



SPACE JOCKEY URBAN

Nah, it's hurt like a bitchbasket since Florida. Ahhh, hold the wheel of this surprisingly easy-to-drive alien ship, I gotta do this.


SPACE JOCKEY URBAN CONVULSES AND SHIT LIKE HE JUST SET A DEADLIFT PR OR SOMETHING. THEN BRAH-XTON MILLER POPS THROUGH HIS CHEST.


5llte_medium

BRAH-XTON MILLER

'Sup. Heisman.

SPACE JOCKEY URBAN

That was like dropping a quatro when you expected a deuce. Feel so much better now, bros.

PROFESSOR DR. VRABRO also ARCHEOLOGIST

So there, Urb. We'll stay awake with you. So behind on my lift schedule.


DR. LUKE FICKELL, PHD also ARCHAEOLOGIST

Word. We've got 83 seasons of Franklin and Bash to watch, too.


PROFESSOR DR. VRABRO also ARCHEOLOGIST


No objections, your honor. Let's do this. Hypersleep is for bitches. I got to...TAKE A SHEET.


HE POPS A SHEET, THE ORAL ENERGY SUPPLEMENT YOU CAN TAKE ANYWHERE.


DR. LUKE FICKELL, PHD also ARCHAEOLOGIST

Yeah, bro. I'll take a sheet in hyperspace.


SPACE JOCKEY URBAN

That's...evolved thinking, gentlemen.


THEN THEY ALL POP SHEETS, THE ORAL ENERGY SUPPLEMENT THAT FINANCED THIS WHOLE MOVIE BECAUSE THAT'S HOW WE GET IT MADE. WE JUST TELL SHEETS THAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT CAPTURING THE 18-35 DEMO AND THEN THEY WRITE A CHECK AND WE MAKE THIS BOSS AS HELL MOVIE. IF THEY DON'T THEY"LL PROBABLY SEND US BOXES OF THAT SHIT AND SO WE'LL AT LEAST GET SOMETHING OUT OF IT.

FIN

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