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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 6/11/2012

By Spencer Hall

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There are two ways to crop a Les Miles photo. One includes his face, and another includes his hat. No photo not taken from space has included both, but that's what the Hubble's for.
There are two ways to crop a Les Miles photo. One includes his face, and another includes his hat. No photo not taken from space has included both, but that's what the Hubble's for.

OPERATE WITH SWAGGER. Les Miles made a graduation speech over the weekend, and CHESTINESS reigned. SWAGGER was invoked. Former girlfriends of LASTING HOTNESS were praised. In summary, Les Miles makes only the speeches one expects him to make, and urges you to live life like "someone's stealing it from you."

In true Les Miles fashion, he does not specify who this person stealing it from you is, so make a list of suspects immediately. (It's probably your dad! GO BEAT HIM UP WITH SWAGGER RIGHT NOW FOR A BELATED FATHER'S DAY PRESENT AND THEN DEMAND GRATITUDE.)

ERIC MACK IS FINE. The Auburn lineman was shot over the weekend in the shootings that killed two of his former teammates, Ladarious Phillips and Atlanta-area native Ed Christian. Mack's fine, and didn't even realize he was shot until someone pointed it out to him at the scene. Shock is an amazing physical phenomenon.

The suspect is 22 year old DesMonte Leonard, who allegedly initiated a confrontation with a group of partiers at an apartment complex in Auburn, and then opened fire after a scuffle broke out over a girl because that's totally worth shooting three people over. He remains at large and is considered armed and dangerous.

SWOON. The women's camp at Michigan was this weekend, and if you want the words that will drop the panties of even the most demure Wolverines fan, they are Denard Robinson looking at you and saying "I will be critiquing you all day." [oooh a critique] [passes out from geeky lust] [if he suggests a seminar I shall be his for a fortnight or more]

FOUR HUNDRED POUNDS OF RECRUIT. Cousin of former Louisville DE Elvis Dumervil, Harry Dumervil stands at 6'8 and weighs 400 pounds. We are now recruiting children raised on the puffy cruise ships from Wall-E, and question their ability to look as good on game tape filmed the the harsh gravity of earth. (<---new excuse for Big Ten rationalists. "We're literally heavier up here, and shhh, science, no one likes you anyway.)

CLIMBING HIGH AND LOW. Derek Dooley climbed historic Mt. LeConte this weekend, and didn't find any of his departed assistants hiding up there, either.

WHY, PRAY TELL, WOULD THIS SURPRISE YOU AT THIS POINT? UNC players took an easy class where there was little to no instruction, and seriously how Butch Davis doesn't have a show-cause at this point is beyond us.

ETC: Jimbo Fisher felt festive at FSU's basedball game. MIAMI BROS ARE LIKE BOTTLE SERVICE HAPPY YO. That shit is, indeed, cray. Oklahoma City's social scene is vibrant, and certainly enough for the budding young NBA superstar.