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...led to this. You are welcome, love, the internet.

JUST ANOTHER PERFECT USC QUARTERBACK. A few words about the stabilizing role Matt Barkley's played at USC, the school with the most retro thing of all: a gifted dropback passer wearing red and gold. The best part about watching Matt Barkley play is totally seeing the 12 year old kid aping pro quarterbacks' mannerisms in the backyard, right down to the ball patting and wrist flick.

THIS IS ALREADY HAPPENING. John L. Smith, man without fear (or a full year-long contract.)

PLEASE SAY THIS ISN'T HAPPENING. If it is real, and given the stupid decisions governing Maryland football as of late it could very well be despite all evidence to the contrary, we hope Maryland plays every game this year at noon with zero cloud cover, scorching temperatures, and 50% humidity. "It's black, like my soul," says Randy Edsall, not clarifying that his soul is a black leather briefcase with worn patches on the corners containing three manila envelopes, a banana, and a copy of The Secret.

The Key Play never lies: the only stadium improvement Maryland would ever need is right under their noses.

WHATEVER, THEY'RE OUR KIN NOW AND YOU'LL STOP YOUR HIPPIE JABBERIN' IF'N WE WANT YA TO. The Longhorns are saying the longest and bitterest of goodbyes to Texas A&M, which sounds like protestin' a bit too much. (Real cowboy farewells to foes: shorter, snappier, and way more dismissive.) Meanwhile, DeLoss Dodds makes the best diss tracks, and Reveille really wishes you would stop blowing up their Twitter timeline with all this because class is in session, and this is a fascinating lecture have some respect come on stop it.

WE TAKE OPTION E. You did it to yourself, Todd Graham, but daaaaaamn, even Lindy's is cracking on you now, and that's LINDY'S.

ENJOY THE ELECTRIFYING ATMOSPHERE OF CENTRAL CONNECTICUT. If you have to transfer anywhere from Florida, make sure it's a simliar place like the semitropical paradise of Storrs, Connecticut.

ETC: "This is what it is. Just look at it and say it, Skip." Bill Murray was, for a spell, the Human Torch. The world's most expensive hot dog and Tesla make a strange kind of sense. The history of the Yankees fans GIF is your daily notice that P-Boink is the best and only website on the internet.