By Run Home Jack with graphic by Bobby Big Wheel.
Craig James For Senate is dead, but the post-mortem is just beginning. (Incidentally, Post-Mortem is also a great name for a crime procedural about a mailman who keeps finding murder clues in undelivered letters. Call me, CBS!)
Four percent is...not a lot of votes. That much you can figure out on your own. But what does that number mean? Who did James do well with, and where did he stumble?
WHERE JAMES STUMBLED:
District 2 - One-third as many votes as candidate Skippy McGate, a US Airways wheelchair with a "ALL FLIGHTS DELAYED" sign lazily propped up in it
District 6 - Received fewer votes than Chris Gaines and tan M&Ms
District 10 - Polls indicated 0% of Jesse Palmers voted for James
District 15 - Finished behind Justin Guarini due to a VHS mixup at the area's largest nursing home
District 16 - Tied for fifth with former Community showrunner Dan Harmon
District 24 - More voter support ended up turning out for Proposition A-4, a law which would allow cigarettes to be sold to minors only
District 27 - Ballot error listed "CRAG JAMES" but Major League Baseball had his name removed from the ballot in the interest of protecting their intellectual property.
WHERE JAMES DID WELL:
White males who don't eat at Del Taco because it's too ethnic - Won 65% of this vote
Stray dogs with an education level of "some college" - 58% of this vote
Voters who identified their main issue as "defending this country against Zoroaster" - 73% of this vote
The Nicaraguan family being held captive in Mike Patrick's attic - 100% of this vote
Upper middle-class heffalumps - 55% of this vote
Public school teachers who play jazz CDs and say it will help you prep for the AP History exam - 61% of this vote
A GRAPHIC REPRESENTATION OF HIS CORE CONSTITUENTS
click for bigness
A PICTURE OF WHAT MIKE LEACH IS DOING RIGHT NOW
Or more accurately, he's doing this:
