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UPDATE: FOR MONEY, GEORGE CLOONEY WILL OR WILL NOT MAKE LOVE TO YOU

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By Spencer Hall
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This morning's update brings the usual news: Michigan, the title holders, have crashed the boards, rebounded, and surged ahead to a triumphant and decisive lead in the 2012 EDSBS Charity Boogaloo. Their $3,000 and counting puts them an easy two grand up on the rest of the competition, and unlike a Lloyd Carr offense the tally shows no sign of running out the clock. Well done, Men and Women of the Mitten.

The total is impressive thus far--over $9000 through Wednesday AM--but if the rest of you need some motivation, and we've got it. You may know that the refugee cause is one of some serious celebrity, and they remain committed to spreading the word and helping. How committed, you ask?

So committed that with a donation to the EDSBS Charity Boogaloo you can make right here, they will come to your house, undress you, and make love to you.

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We're not saying you'll get Angelina Jolie. We're not saying you'll get George Clooney, or even George Lopez. Actually, you better hope you don't get George Lopez, because he'll marry you, and then steal your kidney before divorcing you, and then you'd be really soured both on charity giving, and on reruns of the George Lopez Show (only on UPN at 2 a.m.!)

But any of the following celebrities, dedicated to the cause and willing to help, could show up to your home at any time:

  • Patricia Heaton wearing a Scream Mask
  • The "Can You Hear Me Now" guy. Or Rivers Cuomo. We can't really tell which one he is, but it's definitely one of them.
  • Ken Jennings. What is pure eroticism for $1,000, Alex?
  • Dominique Strauss-Kahn. This is happening whether you give or not.
  • Bizzie Bone, but he'll say he's Krayzie Bone. But it's Bizzie.
  • Clay Travis. It's okay, he's an attorney.

  • John Moschitta, Jr., the original voice of The Micro Machines ads.

  • Kate Upton (her agent is saying "no" to nothing right now)
  • The resurrected 29th President of the United States, Warren G. Harding.
  • Mark Soundton, Cleveland's #1 Bulk Pastrami Supplier (for donations below $10)
  • Time-traveling 1993 Dan Cortese.

  • That creepy guy from Marcy Playground, who will have sex for anything including but not limited to candy.

  • David Blaine. Poof! You're naked, and he's crammed into your fishtank for some reason.

  • Samus Aran! (Ok, it's just Colin Hanks stuffed into football pads and a motorcycle helmet, but still.) FREE CHET HAZE WITH SAMUS ARAN.

  • Sarah Phillips, but then you realize you're just having sex with an indian guy with a vagina and a lot of gambling debt.

We're not saying you get to choose. We're not even saying they won't just come to your house and eat nutella out of the jar with their finger without asking you. But we guarantee* that a donation to RRISA and the refugees they assist every day in Clarkston, Georgia will come with some kind of unsatisfying, possibly terrifying encounter with a celebrity. Or not. GIVE ANYWAY YOU WON'T KNOW UNTIL YOU TRY.

*no we don't.

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