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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 5/2/2012

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LET'S JUST TAKE A DEEP, CLEANSING BREATH OF PRAIRIE AIR. There is a spectrum for these things. There is "humorless, straightforward, and very serious" on one end. On the other is "humorous, and totally tongue in cheek." Cross this spectrum with a Y-axis of "competence," and you can represent every college promotional video ever. If you're keeping up with this visualization, the "Campaign for Kansas" spot is actually pretty high in the right quadrant of "competent/completely unserious."

No, really. It has scientists in lab coats, and people who know they can't dance dancing. That's "Middle American Self-Aware," and it's redolent of cheese, but not bad cheese.

What it is good for? GIF'in, baby. Massively humiliating GIF'in. With those scientists in lab coats playing instruments. Lady on the left, something about that lab coat makes us want to cover you in agar gel and construct a robust data set of erotic experiences. Call us. (Via commenter THETexasStateUniversity)

READ THIS. Because it is brilliant, and because you want to break someone else's ankles, not your own, Indiana football.

THE BEAR RIDES AGAIN. Clint Bowyer will honor Alabama at Talladega this weekend. If he plays Free Bird over his headset and drinks whiskey simultaneously during the race and hits 205 mph, Dale Earnhardt, Sr. will rise from the dead and reclaim his kingdom by wrecking every car in the race with his fiery demon-car, "Retrencherella."

RONALD POWELL'S ACL IS MADE OF A DIFFERENT MATERIAL THAN YOURS. Will Muschamp reports that the timeline for the rehab of Florida LB Ronald Powell's ACL is still at six months, which is still faster than most ACL recoveries, but that's to be expected with a linebacker made of pure mitochondria bound together with duct tape.

THEY ARE SHINY AND THAT'S NEW. Rutgers' new helmets are 100% shinier than Rutgers' old helmets, and 1000% more reminiscent of "EVIL TEAM A" in a generic football movie.

THE MAC BOMB SHELTER IS REAL. Matt Sussman is all too happy to show you how to avoid having your conference eaten, and thus avoid the fate of so many other long-dead athletic conferences. Remember the Skyline Conference? Neither did we, something we can happily say our children will someday think about the BCS (perhaps over one, two, or four nice meals.)

JIMBO'S SMILEY. Urban Meyer, after being for a college football playoff, is now against it, but shit LOOK AT THAT PICTURE OF JIMBO. It's hard to hate someone so strong with the force of pure redneck congeniality, but we try. Oh, and in related AJC-reported news, Nick Saban's listens to Michael Jackson in the car. If he's on the "Bad is really his best album" bandwagon we'd be appalled, but "Off The Wall is the true MJ classic" verdict from him would confuse our worldview forever. (BECAUSE WE'D AGREE WITH HIM AND THAT WOULD BE AWKWARD.)

MONTEL HARRIS, REPORTING TO DIVEMASTER STEVE. Frank Spaziani is a fool, and is also a fool. That is all.

MORE GETTING SMARTER BETTER WITH FOOTBALL THINGS. Passing cut-ups are the best, especially when you take that little black and white diagram and turn it into actual things running around the football field doing good things.

ETC. Bas Rutten knockouts set to Motorhead why okay um sure [watches three time in a row.] Baseball continues to bring out great moments in parenting, and if you put a radar gun on your child you are an imbecile. (Love, a football fan who might be contributing to permanent brain injuries.) Don't ever, ever fly first class.