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TALE OF THE TAPE: NICK SABAN VERSUS DANA HOLGORSEN

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"Suuuuuuck my diiiiick, I'm a Dana Holgorsen." (Photo by Al Messerschmidt/Getty Images)
"Suuuuuuck my diiiiick, I'm a Dana Holgorsen." (Photo by Al Messerschmidt/Getty Images)
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West Virginia may have lost twice in a barfight with LSU, but they didn't come here to Shakey Slive's Asskick Hut to lose. No, West Virginia, drunk off shine, a bottle of transmission fluid, and six Natural Lights they drank in the parking lot, wants some more, and awesome for you, Mountaineers. We like it. OH, SCOTT JURGENSEN, WE LOVE IT.

WVU will start the 2014 season in Atlanta with Alabama in the Chick-Fil-A kickoff. There are many important matchups in this game, but none more crucial than that at head coach. To the numbers, please:

TALE OF THE TAPE

HEIGHT

Saban: 5'5".

Holgorsen: Six feet or so, but we're all the same height laying down, lady.

WEIGHT

Saban: A shocking 240 pounds, but fifty of that is his prehensile tongue. Another thirty of is attributable to the Belichick Brainstem Bomb implanted in all Belichick employees at hiring.

Holgorsen: N/A. If you want his accurate, naked weight, it'll take you one of two things to get these pants off: a pony keg, or a warrant.

REACH

Holgorsen: seems short at 63 inches, but damned if he didn't caress your wife's ass from the other side of that booze cruise boat.

Saban: tiny arms limit his numbers at 28 inches, but are right at dickpunching level, and thus should be considered in context.

NECK

Saban: prefers them wrung, broken, or snapped in a film room rage.

Holgorsen: If that's what you wanna call it, Senator Boxer, we can call it that. Just get off this ATV ride, if you know what he's saying.

CHEST (EXPANDED)

Saban: 43 inches

Holgorsen: Fake, real, whatever. He's not judging.

CHILDHOOD FEAR

Holgorsen: Werewolves, because in Iowa they steal all your crops

Saban: Affection

IQ

Saban: 118. Good, but not JD level. (picture of Derek Dooley.)

Holgorsen: DNF, as he kept calling the examiner a pussy for not letting him double down.

FIST

Saban: Clenched in fury at the person who dared touch the airconditioning. (Hint! It was Kirby Smart, who will be taught the meaning of pain in the Paul Bryant, Jr. Golden Flake Behavioral Correction Room later.)

Holgorsen: Sure, if you want to.

BLOOD TYPE

Saban: Anything gluten free. That last Italian fellow he drained made his IBS flare up like crazy.

Holgorsen: According to his medical records, listed as "paint don't hurt."

CHILDHOOD FEAR

Holgorsen: Werewolves, because in Iowa they steal all your crops

Saban: Affection

MENTOR

Holgorsen: Hal Mumme, who once sent Holgorsen to recruit the Virgin Islands "just to make sure they'd named 'em right." After his visit, Holgorsen reported their cartography to be grossly inaccurate.

Saban: Bill Belichick, who once sent Saban to Haiti for a shipment of bat fetuses for reasons known only to him. (/bat fetus goes to three pro bowls, signs 6 year deal with raiders)

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE:

Holgorsen: "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to never be sober." - Ernest Hemingway

Saban: "Moving parts can crush and cut. Keep hands clear during operation." - Safety Label 1099-58WH

THAT TIME THEY WERE ON FIRE

Holgorsen: Can explain it, and totally not a violation of any probation agreements, but never, ever say you want to party on the ISS without really meaning it.

Saban: Times, since it happened twice. It was a customary greeting in East Lansing, and a traditional farewell in Baton Rouge.