All the offseason buzz about implementing a playoff and the various forms that might take has been entertaining, but we're fooling ourselves if we think Grandmaster Jim and the Furious Slive haven't carefully laid all this out well ahead of time. We haven't been able to learn what the secret plan is for where these games would be played, but we have uncovered something better - the members of the commission that will select the four playoff teams.
CADE MCNOWN
The former UCLA standout and first round NFL Draft pick has stayed pretty well under the radar since leaving football in 2002, but he's kept busy. After getting a second degree in advanced statistics, McNown spent years developing a proprietary computer rankings system which he claims will make its predecessors look like the rotary phone. Though he is incredibly secretive about what goes into his formula, McNown did allow us to share one screenshot of the program at work:
DR. MARVIN HUMPSBERT
Orphaned at the age of fifteen, Humpsbert took his father's struggling kipper-packing factory and turned it into one of the world's most successful chains of discount grocery stores - Food Lion. After selling the business, he moved to the United States and, since 1987, has been one of the most popular business law professors at Mississippi State. The concern with Dr. Humpsbert is not that he will show favoritism to the SEC but, rather, that he will allow profitability concerns to color his selections.
This is a picture of the doctor in 1995. He and Peter O'Toole have not spoken since this fateful appearance, as Humpsbert was incensed at O'Toole's failure to plug his autobiography, Dreamedary.
LEGO HOWARD SCHNELLENBERGER
After a successful career standing in for his creator when Coach found himself without American currency to bribe his way out of Bengali prisons (including all of Louisville's 1993 season and Liberty Bowl win), Lego Howard Schnellenberger agreed to serve as chairman of the playoff commission. Worries that a bored Cade McNown would try to disassemble the chairman to build "a machine gun that shoots laser ninja stars" were assuaged when it was revealed all Schnellenberger's pieces are stuck together with a mixture of Campari and simple syrup.
We could not get anyone to comment on the allegations that Lego Howard Schnellenberger 1. calls Lane Kiffin every night whispering "the Billllls - the Buffalo Billlllls" 2. is about to be indicted for wire fraud.
CIGARETTE VENDING MACHINE REPAIRMAN
When the Commission decided to hold regular meetings at a Kiwanis Club in Scottsdale, Arizona (where Lego Howard Schnellenberger is Treasurer), they did not know that the building was home to a Cigarette Vending Machine Repairman formerly known as "Phil." Rumor has it that the repairman entered the club in 1997 and simply decided to stay forever, declaring the utility closet an independent polity..
Cigarette Vending Machine Repairman was elected to the Commission when Matt Millen was two hours late to his interview because he was distracted by an ice cream truck on the highway.
STACK OF TELEPHONE BOOKS
Worked under Nick Saban from 1996-2002.
DIANA RUBIN-JONES
Despite admitting to not knowing anything about college football except what her drunk neighbor screams about Boston College, Diana was selected to the commission based on the strength of her appearance on the Fast Money segment of a 1980 episode of Family Feud: when asked to name something to do on a Saturday, she answered "wait for the cold, welcoming embrace of Death." Sixty-three of the one hundred Northwestern fans surveyed gave that same response, locking up the victory and a $10,000 prize for the Rubin-Jones family.
BOB STOOPS (UNOFFICIAL CONSULTANT)
For obvious reasons of integrity, Coach Stoops is not a full-fledged member of the commission, but we've learned they plan to draw upon his vast expertise of which teams really, really don't belong in a game of significance.
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