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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 4/3/2012

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CONGRATULATIONS TO THE KENTUCKY FOOTBALL TEAM'S BASKETBALL TEAM.

The best of the police scanner from Lexington's attempt to rein in the celebrations last night is here, but @cuppycup wins. Pressure's on you now, Joker! (To win seven games.) (That would be great.) Also, don't let Kentucky fans live on television. It never goes the way you want it to.

YES, MO CLAIBORNE GOT A 4 ON HIS WONDERLIC. He might have gotten a 4 because he was dumb, or because he was learning disabled, or because he may have gone to college to major in football, and thus devoted the bare minimum to staying eligible before declaring for the NFL. The reasons are unclear, but the reasons he was able to say eligible are not. Phil Knight says your facilities look poor and old and don't have enough creepy old men in goatees, visor sunglasses, and tracksuits grinning from restroom mirrors. (Please say those are in the women's restrooms. Please.)

TROLL KING, JAMES FRANKLIN. "If you can make a field goal while I make love to this glossy signed 8x10 of Vanessa Carlton, you can make a field goal anywhere, anytime." [hums "A Thousand Miles" while he does it]

SO CREEPY UNEMPLOYED DUDES WILL BE WATCHING ELLEN. Never say we aren't there for you, creepy unemployed bros of the world.

RYAN LEAF IS IN SERIOUS TROUBLE. He's not even really in control of anything he does right now, and it's not even funny how bad that condition really is.

THE CARL PELINI ERA BEGINS. And it will be bad, but most definitely not because Howard Schnellenberger left him with almost nothing. It will be because Schnelly left him with absolutely nothing.

OH TALK SHIT YOU TOOTHLESS, LIPLESS DENTIST SMOCK-LOVING FUTURE SUN BELT COACH. Funny story, Gene Chizik. We suppose this means the next step is to take a transfer quarterback, win a national title, endure the whiff of scandal, and then bottom out before rebuilding completely, and actually that sounds very nice right now we'll totally take it.

ETC: How to bench press with boobs. Not necessarily for women only, actually. The story of the Broom Man.