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THINGS ARE GOING TO START HAPPENING TO ME. The new MAC football schedule's here! The new MAC football schedule's here!

Honestly, this is delightful because it is exactly the way the rest of us are about the MAC schedule, which did indeed come out, and which will as of November feature the Wednesday night reality-benders we came to expect from the league last year. Defense: OFF. Offense: DEADLY. Pants: LEFT 'EM IN THE KITCHEN LET'S GET SOME MACTION BOYS.

MONTANA'S FOOTBALL SITUATION SEEMS...COMPLEX. So the coach and AD have been fired, and the coach is shocked, and no one's really clarifying anything except for the coach, and this seems like it will all end with a flurry of lawsuits and settlements. It's not quite a Gary Barnett situation, but the coach did speak in support of the quarterback who was accused of a sexual assault, and still would according to him, and seriously this whole thing is just immensely weird.

ANGRY IOWA RUNNING BACK HATING GOD RETURNS. Complain if you dare. All you have to lose are your healthy knee ligaments. (Thank you, AIRBHG! May we have another?) (Hahaha, Iowa, the answer is always yes when you say that.)

MAX GARCIA LOVED ATHENS. And frankly, partisan sentiment aside, everyone should, but the Maryland lineman does also have Lane Kiffin and his enchanted recruiting chloroform rag hanging around, so you really shouldn't rule anything out until he turns up enrolled in Athens. Lane Kiffin chloroforms recruits.

AL GOLDEN IS NOT A POLITICIAN. Let's get that clear. He's a 40ish man who works days as the Miami Hurricanes head coach and nights as the manager of a Dollar Rent-A-Car at the Miami Airport. He's just trying to make things happen, but the strain is getting to him because he loves football, but he also loves his ragtag, misfit crew of charming folks just trying to make ends meet at the airport, too. Say whatever you want about his walk-on program, because the man doesn't care. He's just trying to win some football games while making great deals for visitors to South Florida in need of a reasonable, clean car and a reasonable, clean rate. He's also seconds from having a stroke.

HOUNDSTOOTH CAP OH PAWWWWLLLLLL. It's the only decoration Kevin Sumlin has so far, AND THAT'S ALL YOU NEED, SIR.

ETC: Illinois hired Jim Croce to coach basketball. Dickie Bennett's hair in 1200 words. RIP, Harry Crews. You should all read Feast of Snakes both because of the vibrant, disturbing prose, and also to see that Crews was well ahead of the curve on the whole ATM thing in sex scenes. Just Shane Beamer hitting players with a cattle prod. Wrestlemania forecasts are totally necessary.This is one of our favorite reddit/cfb headlines ever.