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Unstoppable, and not even a big buffalo. (Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images)
Unstoppable, and not even a big buffalo. (Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images)
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MIKE LEACH WOULD ACTUALLY DO THIS IN A TOURNAMENT. He would solve this in an actual tournament of mascot death-matches, but you know. That. Until then, you will have to accept Leach's simulation of this tourney as he imagines it would go.

Jim Moore: In a battle to the death among Pac-12 mascots, which animal or person wins?

Mike Leach: The Cougar absolutely. Let's go through this a little bit. A cougar obviously kills a duck and a beaver. A cougar against a husky ... that's pretty well a massacre. A cardinal or whatever: I don't know exactly what a cougar would either climb it or I wouldn't want to think of what else he'd do on it. Now Golden Bears could be kinda tough. I think you'd want to be a little fast and loose with them. You don't want to get caught by that bear. The Ute ... you gotta dodge some arrowheads, but I still like the Cougar. Buffalo ... I think the buffalo would be pretty tough to beat. Wildcat: Cougars are bigger than wildcats . Sun Devils, that's mythical anyway. Trojans, they may be as well. I think you gotta look out for the Bruins and the Buffalo. The Golden Bear, Bruin and Buffalo .. I think those are the tough ones.

Moore: Why the Buffalo?

Leach: Do you want to fight a buffalo? I don't know, those buffalo are big. You know, buffalo are significantly bigger than elk. I grew up near Yellowstone so I've been near buffalo. Buffalo are huge. And then the other thing I've always gotten a kick out of: When you play Colorado, there's those buffalo dragging those six handler around. Those handlers aren't dragging the buffalo. The buffalo's dragging him.

Ralphie's not even a big buffalo. Ralphie pulls those people wherever he wants to.

This seems fanciful, but in principle it's no more fantastic than wondering how a college football playoff would go since both are equally real at the moment. ("College football playoff, that's mythical anyway...") Leach and every other football fan has had plenty of time to run these simulations in their head, since simulations are our only option.

BACARRI RAMBO STORMS INTO A POW CAMP, IS PROMPTLY SUSPENDED. Large defensive losses for "multiple games" for Georgia with the suspensions of Alec Ogletree and Bacarri Rambo. This was for violations of team rules, an infraction that with a multiple game suspension equals [PURE SPECULATION.]

If it was a positive weed test, they shouldn't be suspended, and neither should any other player in college football. SPIDERS BE HERE but whatever. It's a stupid rule from top to bottom, especially considering both players' solid reputations otherwise, and the large soft spot we have for Rambo given what happened to him and his family last December. If that was the case, then let them smoke some weed. John Wooden let it happen with Bill Walton, and the world obviously ended, and this is just so fucking stupid year after year even if this isn't the case here.

UPDATE: Rambo's high school coach says it's weed.

WISCONSIN HAS ALL THESE BAND-AIDS AND NO SUTURES. As cool as Bret Bielema getting Danny O'Brien to take the Russell Wilson spot at quarterback might be--and remember, he's not a guaranteed starter--it still begs the question of what happened to Wisconsin's ability to develop dependable signal-callers traded out annually without much fuss. It's overthinking, but it's still a trend-of-two a paranoid Badger fan wouldn't want to roll into 2014. (And if you are reading EDSBS, you are a paranoid fan.)

TRANSFERS NECESSITATE MIXED-SQUAD FOR TENNESSEE, MARYLAND. The transfer count at Maryland reaches twelve, and Da'Rick Rogers may be leaving Tennessee and transferring along with most of Derek Dooley's already-departed coaching staff, and let's just let the two play as the Terrapeers or VoluPins for the 2012 season until they get their shit together.

LET'S DO THIS. Mostly because having football on during Christmas holidays would give us another excuse to do what we truly want to do on the holidays: Swanson out, drink, talk to no one, and watch sports.

ETC: The opening quote from Jon Bois' tribute to Mike Jones made us cough-laugh for two minutes. RIP, Earl Scruggs. OOOOOH WIND MAP.