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Oklahoma State fans, bad news about that tontine legitimate investment plan you were running for a couple of years there. I would criticize the university and its lawyers for trying to rely on a meaningless formality to get thirty-three million bucks back, but relying on meaningless formalities is 40% of a lawyer's job. (The other sixty percent is evenly split between writing unnecessarily aggressive letters and frantically searching for a way out of student debt other than death.)

What do the Cowboys do now? Turn to the internet of course, where all great MAKE MONEY WORK FROM HOME $5000 A WEEK NO DIPLOMA NEEDED FREE CASH NOW originates.

  • Columbia House Ticketing: For only one penny and the price of a stamp, you, lucky fan, can get a ticket to Bedlam! You'll then be obligated to buy seventeen other tickets from our excellent selection, which includes opponents like Kansas, Open Date, and Again, Kansas. (Ticket prices for these games are $600 but you can cancel anytime by calling 1-800-COWBOY!)
  • Cash Brandon Weeden's 401k: I know, I know - the tax penalties are brutal, especially when you consider that he's only six years away from retirement.
  • Whatever They Did At The End of Trading Places: Basically you buy all the orange juice available at the local grocery store and then issue a fake medical press release about how orange juice gives you eternal life and then sell the orange juice at a hefty markup and leave town. I think that's what happened.
  • Rig A High Stakes Game of Duck Hunt: The key here is to break the small plastic piece inside the barrel of the light gun, which will enable you to kill every duck on screen with one shot. Insist that your opponent use his or her own light gun. The State of Illinois used this scheme to fund its public school system from 1987-1994.
  • End of The Big 12 Party: SPECIAL GUARANTEED APPEARANCE BY RON PRINCE AND THE NEW POWER TOWEL GENERATION!!! Cover charge of $13.6 million, only invitees are Texas A&M and Missouri.
  • Find Out What The City of Birmingham Did: Then do the complete opposite.