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Since we have the powerful expertise of exactly one visit to College Station, we can say for certain to SEC fans that you have no understanding of what you are inviting into the league. We mean this for good and for bad. You have no idea how nice the people are, especially the students who will all but carry you to your car when you get lost. You may not know how good the sausage and brisket is, either, but in due time you and your cardiologist will discover this fact together. The gameday ceremonies, cheers, and environs are like nothing else you will see in college football.

The gameday ceremonies, cheers, and environs are also like nothing else you will see in college football, a gentle way of saying the new relations are deeply and unapologetically weird. You "knew" that when they were invited, but "knowing" and "understanding" are two entirely different concepts.

To wit: the Aggies do not have female cheerleaders. This is not especially strange; go to a game, and it slides off the surface of the brain in a few seconds. Dudes. Making weird hand gestures. Cool. Recalibrations made. What is genuinely strange is caring a LOT about keeping it that way, and then suggesting you would actually bring a newspaper to the game.

Jon Johnson, a horse doctor and graduate of A&M's veterinary school, was asked what he would do if the dance team began performing at Kyle. "I'll bring a newspaper," he said.

"Just like he does during sex," sobbed Mrs. Johnson. The newspaper for Dr. Johnson in this and every other protest scenario would be a horse newspaper. You know: horse sports, horse wedding announcements, horse gossip, horse crosswords. The answer to every line: "HORSE." Horse crosswords are baffling to horses both because they cannot write without thumbs, but also because horses are not very smart animals. The movie reviews are pretty simple: "WAR HORSE: FIVE STARS, BEST MOVIE EVER MADE. ATONEMENT: ZERO STARS, WOULD NOT RECOMMEND NOT EVEN TO SHEEP, THOSE STUPID BAAHHING SHEEP."

The point is that they're ours now, and they're weird. Sure, there is a large portion of the Aggie populace that would be fine with having female cheerleaders in a dance squad perform at games. And yes, the SEC has its share of strange fanbases, some of them who at this moment are busy filing a lawsuit against the sky for being one or many of a rival's color at any point in the day.* The Aggies, however, are also debating having female cheerleaders at football games for the first time in this, the year 2012. These are the new cousins. They'll be staying in the guest room for the rest of your lives. Get used to it, and take what you must from the liquor cabinet to aid the process.

*Alabama fans.