LES MILES DEMANDS A BUSTY QUARTERBACK

We thought brain injury, initially. There would be few other explanations for Les Miles starting Jordan Jefferson in the BCS Title Game, and fewer still for keeping him in the game after he began soft-tossing the ball up to Alabama linebackers in the midst of an extended and nationally televised panic attack. There is also the issue of the gameplan. Our LSU readers are now all having seizures and compromising already strained cardiovascular systems. We'll stop talking about it for their benefit.

The brain injury theory may have been shot down entirely by a new possibility: pectoral prejudice.

Around the 1:30 mark, Les Miles says this regarding Gunner Kiel, the ND commit who switched his commitment from LSU to the Irish in January.

We needed a quarterback. We lost two, we needed a quarterback in this class. There was a gentleman from Indiana that thought about coming to the Bayou State. He did not necessarily have the chest and the ability to lead a program.

Les Miles cannot possibly be speaking figuratively. When you think Les Miles is using metaphor, in his mind he is thinking completely literally. For instance, a normal person says, "You can't have your cake and eat it, too," they are expressing the sad cycle of desire and consumption. For Miles, he is saying this because he has just eaten your cake, which was delicious. He will buy you a new one of your choice tomorrow, and Geaux Tigers.

He also clearly values "chest" in a quarterback, and why not: the quarterback is the leader of the team, and many of our world's great leaders have boasted spectacular man-cannons. Mussolini, Chuck Amato, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Richard Kiel, Nitro from American Gladiators, and Sergio Oliva all led pec-first with distinction throughout their lives in various fields of endeavor.

Judging strictly from photo evidence, Jordan Jefferson has the clear pectoral advantage, and got the nod as starter. Kiel would have attended LSU, but after failing the all-important Les Miles Chest Expander Test, he had no choice but to join the cave-chested Catholics of South Bend in their echoey grotto of manorexia and endless cardio.

None of this makes any sense, but if you want explanations that make sense, you wouldn't have asked us in the first place why Les Miles does things, would you? You'd already understand it all, because it wouldn't be Les Miles, and we wouldn't be a pioneer in the field of LMS.

That will be $5,000 in consulting fees, and a chicken dinner delivered to our Uncle Roscoe immediately. Uncle Roscoe is our pet wolverine. He's quite senile, but also still astonishingly violent. Proceed carefully, as this is an essential part of the contract AND a life-risking maneuver.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Orson Swindle

Fellow, Institute of Les Miles Studies