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FAILURE TO VAN GORDER WILL BE SEVERELY PUNISHED

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That pain you felt right behind your eyes? You know, that sensation of pressure that has nowhere to escape and get worse when you're near a fluorescent light? That's not a sinus infection: Willie Martinez is coming back to the SEC. Here is a picture of the introductory press conference, which hasn't happened yet, but MUST CREDIT EDSBS.

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(H/T: Georgia Sports Blog)

Come on, Willie. Auburn is a FAMILY, which means every member needs to share one common trait. (Please don't make a toothless joke about Gene Chizik and Auburn fans. Coach Chizik had to have that surgery or he'd just keep chewing mailboxes in half.)

This year, the "Van Gorder" is the new "bag full of money wait the NCAA found no violations JEALOUS ONES STILL HATER."

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Looking good, Troop! So the hat is...part...of your...hey, gotta run!

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ALL MY VAN GORDER LADIES PUT YOUR HANDS UP
YOU GOT A MEDIUM-THICK MUSTACHE PUT YOUR HANDS UP
YOU GOT A LUSTROUS MAN'S MANE PUT YOUR HANDS UP

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There were some who said grafting human hair onto an eagle's head and beak was cruel and would just anger PETA even further. You know what? Fuck PETA.

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Even Auburn's most generous and well-hidden boosters are getting on the fun! Just ask Mr. Mobutu, president and CEO of FellaWood - the only lumber made from human bones, so you know it's sturdy. WARLORD DAMN EAGLE!

So, Willie - are you ready to go ALL IN, facially speaking?

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Goddammit.