The NCAA Football Rules Committee has suggested a few changes to kickoff rules. These changes came not from a knee-jerk reaction to recent events, but as a result of serious, thoughtful group discussion. That group discussion follows.
The Rules Committee meeting was called to order by XX at 1:35 p.m. on February 7, 2012.
Special assistant for research and development Joe Tessitore gave an update on the Chaotimatic 200, his entropy-creation machine. Field testing at the Friday night level has surpassed all expectations, and Mr. Tessitore recommended limited use of the Chaotimatic 200 in ACC games.
He believes he can generate a fold in space-time that will allow Florida State to lose to Wake Forest three times every week.
The Committee agreed to consider the issue so long as Wake Forest would still finish the year with no more than eight wins.
Attendance was taken as follows:
Wisconsin Head Coach Bret Bielema
Conference USA Associate Commissioner Alfred White
Florida International Skrillex Roomba
The Texas Tech Masked Rider
Former UCLA quarterback Mark Harmon
A can of low-sodium chicken broth with a Kentucky sticker on it
Air Force Head Coach Troy Calhoun
Beatrice Connelly, a local theater student hired to read printouts of Notre Dame message boards
A motion to approve the previous meeting's minutes as written carried.
The following propositions were taken up by the Committee:
- PROPOSITION 1: An amendment to the rules for defensive linemen prohibiting a pass rusher from singing "Baby Love" by The Supremes. The Melvin Ingram Cool-Down," was submitted by an anonymous list of quarterbacks who felt this practice was causing them to allow themselves to be sacked due to a subconscious desire to be held.
- PROPOSITION 2: Proposed: the offense could elect to call "DRAW PLAY" on situations of 3rd down and 15 or longer. As used herein, a "DRAW PLAY" is a 10 minute side game in which each team's equipment manager must draw a humorous but tasteful caricature of the opposing coach. The team with the best picture receives coupons for a free Junior size Frosty at participating Wendy's restaurants.
- PROPOSITION 3: Coach Bielema spent an hour cruising around town in a 1995 Saturn S-Series. It was awesome.
- PROPOSITION 4: To reduce the distance traveled by a kickoff and therefore reduce the potential impact on kickoffs, a twenty-eight pound football will be used on all kickoffs. Kickoffs must travel at least five yards. Good luck, and godspeed.
- PROPOSITION 5: Lunch would be good. Lunch should be served at committee meetings. Lunch was ordered. Lunch was pretty good.
- PROPOSITION 6: The Big East will be forbidden from playing in BCS games, and its remaining automatic bids awarded to the Conference-USA. Who's attending "boring meetings" now, Marinatto, huh? HUH?
- PROPOSITION 7: In an effort to protect receivers, at any time before the ball is released, an offensive player eligible to catch a pass may point his finger at a defender in the style of a gun and yell "PEW PEW PEW." The defender is then obligated to fall down "dead" unless he is touching base.*
*Base is any article of clothing ever touched by Howard Schnellenberger
- PROPOSITION 8: Scotch.
- PROPOSITION 9: A projector shall be provided to all future committee meetings. This projector will be hooked up to a DVD player. This DVD player shall play a pirated copy of Armageddon that starts halfway through. The Rules Committee will watch this as we drink scotch and cry during the scene where Bruce Willis saves Ben Affleck's life. No one will find this weird.
- PROPOSITION 10: [ILLEGIBLE SCRAWL]
PROPOSITION 11: The committee is gonna go to Breezes Bar and Grill-a-pade next door in the Embassy Suites. It's the home of the pina colada pancake bar, guys! GUYS.
Thus ends the transcript of this meeting of the NCAA Rules Committee. That stain in the upper right corner is wing sauce.