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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 12/3/2012

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Because the hood's been good to me, ever since I was a lowercase g.

Sports Illustrated

AND NOW YOU'RE PICTURING HIM IN ORANGE PANTS TOO TIGHT IN THE SEAT. I can't even begin to think about if this would be a good hire, because the prospect of this man sharing a field with Steve Spurrier is too absurdly hilarious to comprehend.

This would explain his recent weight gain. You wanna BE the Great Pumpkin, you gotta EAT the Great Pumpkin.

CONGRATULATIONS ARE IN ORDER. Skip Holtz, finally a free man after a three year stint in America's Prisontown. "Freedom From Tampa" was going to be Norman Rockwell's fifth painting in the series, but it's hard to get a mob of homeless people riding illegal exotic pets to sit still.

THE TEAM, HIS BACK, ETC. Lache Seastrunk, able to score on Oklahoma State despite only having one leg. Meanwhile, you will insist that you can't finish hanging Christmas lights because your sciatica is really flaring up.

DOZENS OF SHREVEPORT ZUNES WIND UP IN THE WRONG HANDS. The story of how 9-3 Louisiana Tech didn't wind up with a bowl berth is so bizarre that it's strangely comforting when Karl Malone shows up at the end and basically threatens to fight everybody.

DON'T WATCH THE SUN BOWL, RICK STOCKSTILL. Actually, why can't MTSU just schedule an impromptu bowl against Louisiana Tech? MALL OF AMERICA BOWL PRESENTED BY PRINCE, THE ONLY BOWL PLAYED IN A MALL WHERE PRINCE GETS TO COACH BOTH TEAMS.

ETC. Happy birthday to Montell Jordan, Trina, and Jim Sorgi. THERE IS A WAR COMING.