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i tell you what them wet bandits can't be ess eee cee cause they aint play no damn defense

CHRISTMAS AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' TO DO WITH JUNE, DAMMIT. Bill C. is smarter than we are, and he says Fresno State is going to stomp all over SMU in the Hawaii Bowl. Let's hope he is wrong, because I'm not watching "It's A Wonderful Life" again this year. YOU HEAR THAT MOM I JUST AM NOT OKAY BEDFORD FALLS WAS BETTER WITH PAWN SHOPS AND STRIPPERS POTTERSVILLE 4 LYFE.

BOB IS NOT WATCHING YOU POOP. But he knows you're not getting enough leafy greens, because he's listening. He's always listening.

WARNING DO NOT WEAR THE NEW ORLEANS BOWL MVP TROPHY WHILE SNOWBOARDING. You will inevitably cause an awesome overload and melt every fleck of snow on the mountaintop, causing massive flooding and destruction in neighboring towns. "But it's all Tuna's fault," you'll say. And that's when they throw you in a mental hospital.

DAMMIT CHIP "PHILADELPHIA FREEDOM" IS A EUPHEMISM FOR CHLAMYDIA. The stupid Eagles are trying to take shiny Chip Kelly and make him all dull and NFL-y, those jerks. "That offense won't work in the pro game, where they're smart enough to cut out all that constant hurry up shit," said division rival Dallas Cowboys Head Coach Nick Saban, probably.

NEEDS MORE AMERICA. Bowling Green gets fancy new domes for the Military Bowl, but we find them insufficiently patriotic. Fortunately, this is nothing a little duct tape and some roman candles can't fix. This is our solution to everything, which is why our bathroom renovation business is not doing awesome.