THE YEAR IN SPIKE FACTOR

I got spike on it
Third and fourteen, call zone read
I got spike on it
Messin' with S-E-C speed
I got spike on it
The safety gets past the halfback
I got spike on it
Just hold the ball and take the sack

At long last, a season's worth of compiling statistics that have little or no value comes to an end. So after all the ill-advised throws into double coverage, after all the fumbled snaps, after all the missed blocks and dropped passes, what did we learn? (Other than holy hell are we not doing this project again. My brain will not endure another season of counting every incomplete Iowa pass.)

Kentucky, we learned that you are shitty but not on the epic level we all hoped for. Your final Wildcat Spike Factor for the 2012 season is 35.41%, good for twelfth overall in our competition. Congratulations on having an offense that was inept without even being amusing.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

The Crxxm Trxphy Fxr Excellence In Xffensive Disappxintment goes to the MISSOURI TIGERS, holders of the worst Spike Factor in the SEC at 36.4%. You killed Dave Yost, and for that we will never forgive you.

The What's Eating Garrett Gilbert Award is presented to the IOWA STATE CYCLONES, who finished the year with a 34.03% Spike Factor. You were the only Big 12 school in the bottom 30, Iowa State, but you're still going to a bowl and Kansas isn't.

The Boston College Doesn't Live Here Anymore Cup is awarded to the worst Spike Factor finisher in the Big East, the CONNECTICUT HUSKIES. 36.33% seems somehow low for you, UConn. Perhaps one day, we'll create a metric to measure unwatchable plays, and then the sky will truly be the limit.

We are honored to present the Punt To Win Staff of Dignity and Literacy and Sweaters And Other Things The SEC Lacks to the ILLINOIS FIGHTING ILLINI, ninth overall and first in the Big Ten with a 36.10% Spike Factor. Ron Zook is not walking through that door, Illinois, mostly because he cannot figure out which way to turn the knob.

By tradition, the Gene Chizik Memorial Fake Oakleys go to the team with the worst Spike Factor that still managed to make a bowl game. This year, that team is the VIRGINIA TECH HOKIES, seventh worst overall with a 36.37% Spike Factor. Wear these with pride when you're drafted in the first round, Logan Thomas.

THE RUNNER UP

In football, as in life, change is inevitable. Crisp and invigorating autumn turns to dark winter, new becomes old, champions become 2012 Auburn. So too has change come to Boston College, the latest stop on Steve Addazio's Magical Dive Shop tour. But, for now, we can look back on this year's BC team, one of only two to finish with a Spike Factor above 40%. Only 56% of your plays were total failures, Eagles, but 100% of your games warmed the hearts of fans of other teams all over the country, fans who were proud to say "at least we're not them."

THE TETANUS SPIKE TO END ALL TETANUS SPIKES

Oh, Washington State. To think that only a few months ago people were, with serious faces, talking about how you might make a bowl game this year. We were all so much younger, and stupider. No, there would be no Kraft Fight Hunger Trophy for you to lift. Instead, a different award is yours - the S.S. TETANUS, a crown befitting an offense that ran 394 plays that gained not a single yard. Congratulations on winning the year in Spike Factor, and know that we still love you, Mike Leach.