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Thomas Campbell-US PRESSWIRE

TWIRL YOUR SWEETHEART. Les Miles wants the game done by 10:30, because Les is looking for love on New Year's Eve.

Twirl your sweetheart? We recommend Club Esso on Memorial Drive. Come by our house just down the street and we'll make y'all some eggs, Hat.

ASS-SLAPPIN' JUST BECAME FASHIONABLE IN LUBBOCK. Texas Tech hired alum and international spy Kliff Kingsbury to be their new head coach, taking the high risk, high reward approach that got them nearly a decade of quality football from Mike Leach. Kingsbury, unlike his predecessor Tommy Tuberville, will live in town, want to be there, and perhaps even keep locally sourced ladies at his beck and call. He's all farm-to-table like that, a distance in Lubbock that is about eighty feet in any direction.

AS FOR TEXAS TECH PEOPLE: "So damn good" is an indicator of something strange we might define as "happiness," a strange emotion not felt in Lubbock in well over two years.

RELATED TO THAT UNHAPPINESS. Marquess Wilson's allegations of abuse against Mike Leach were recanted, and the university found no evidence supporting even the unrecanted allegations. Nevertheless, CougCenter reminds you that in this situation no one wins. (Here's the letter that started the investigation, and Bill Moos's statement after releasing the university's findings.)

IN OTHER EXOTIC VARIATIONS OF THE BIG EAST DYING. The fact of the Big East's demise is undeniable, we're all just wondering what exact brand of dissolution is on the way. This week's variation: the Catholic Explosion.

SHUTDOWN BOWLBACK. The whole playlist is really a buildup to Chip Kelly as Sonic the Hedgehog.

WAIT, THEY WANTED NORTHWESTERN? It's probably best for the viewer than the SEC and the Big Ten slapped the Cap One Bowl around and got Georgia/Nebraska, since the original lineup was going to be Texas A&M versus Northwestern, and really, how many touchdowns do you want Johnny Manziel to score in one game? Please ignore the likelihood of Georgia rushing for 400 yards against Nebraska, because it is devastating to our argument here.

ETC. The Bryshon Nellum story is pretty average if getting to the Olympics after getting shot is average. You came for Paul McCartney playing a cigar box guitar with Dave Grohl and Pat Smear, but stayed for Krist Novacelic's pants. Google, you bastards. This kid is going some places. We don't know where, but definitely somewhere you could call places. OATES BITES HALL because he is a maneater.