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BOBBY PETRINO'S THIRD ACT

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YOU WIN AGAIN, REALITY

Streeter Lecka

The third act of the Petrino saga is really worth waiting for, since the escalation can't bring anything but marvel and wonder when it happens. Consider that which we do not have to make up in the least:

  • That Petrino soured his relationships at Louisville in a private jet flirtation with Auburn. That same very poorly kept secret started a booster revolt at Auburn, and permanently curtailed the power of booster Bobby Lowder, and looked even worse when Auburn went undefeated under Tuberville the following season.
  • Left Louisville in the hands of Krag1N1, and then left for the Falcons only to abandon them--quite literally overnight--for the Arkansas job.
  • Left Arkansas because that thing happened with the motorcycle and the tall lady and the boning and then the lying.

Those bullets were supposed to be fake, fun hypotheticals about the depths to which Bobby Petrino could theoretically sink to in his third act, but after reviewing these, we ask: what could exceed the unreal fiction of what has already happened? The answer: only that produced by the capering vagabond sleaze fable author and football coach Bobby Petrino. Expect the exotic animal trade, insurance fraud, and fake recruits created solely for the purpose of trafficking burned CIA informants from Cuba to WKU.

At this point, we're to the point of cheering him on like a Depression-era bank robber. We can do nothing to dull his powers, nor sway those intoxicated by him, so for maximum personal benefit we have to hope he continues to climb higher, fall farther, and yet somehow still survive the forty foot tall from the top of his own ego. Did ya hear the news about Primate Petrino gorillatizing another farmer's credit union in Topeka! Gave twenty grand to a widow and kissed her right on the smacker! Why, the G-men neva saw so much as his tail lights by the time they got there, ya see?

Speaking of exceeding fiction's humble imagination: of course the letter Bret Bielema wrote to Jeff Long when he fired Petrino is public thanks to someone FOIA'ing it. OF COURSE IT IS.