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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 12/10/2012

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WILL WORK FOR FOOTBALL (J/K WE DON'T WORK FOR ANYTHING)

Kevin Jairaj-US PRESSWIRE

JOHNNY FOOTBALLSMANWINNERSHIPTOUCHDOWN. We have coined this new name for Manziel, first freshman winner of the Heisman Trophy, and will happily collect the fat trademark riches it is sure to yield. Aggie fans responded in their usually restrained manner which will startle your coworkers if your sound is on. STATFACT: for the 77th straight year, Chris Rix did not win the Heisman, a streak which is expected to continue until the sun explodes and kills us all.

TOMMY TUBERVILLE SWORE HE WOULD NEVER TOUCH YOUR CAR. But that was yesterday, and now he's kicking in the passenger side window and taking a claw hammer to the glove compartment. That's where people hide the good snacks, you see.

SOME PEOPLE WILL GO TO ANY LENGTHS TO GET OUT OF THE LITTLE CAESARS PIZZA BOWL. They'll even move to Tampa. But it's probably smarter than going to Knoxville, where everyone is REALLY digging this Veruca Salt look. I WANT A CHARLIE STRONG NOW, DADDY.

THAT IS FALSE ADVERTISING. Look, we're not at Self-Control Soup 'N Salad. This is IMPULSE BAR AND GRILL. That name used to mean something, and the something was not cops.

A REAL MOUNTAINEER DOESN'T USE A GUN. A real Mountaineer attacks a bear with only his wits and a steak knife, and then he woos the bear into starting a romantic relationship, and sure it has some ups and downs because you're a human and she's a bear and bears don't like it when you spend all the college fund on a four-wheeler but you've got each other and that's what really matters.

ETC. Ah, basketball, the sport of kings-without-depth-perception. DEAR GOD THEY'RE GOING TO COME FOR US FIRST DAMN ALL THOSE CROMPTON JOKES. Everything is potentially deadly in Australia, which is part of the reason why Australians are so fun. "The C fades out to symbolize the Neuheisel Era."