I first want to say thank you for making this happen. This was not me. You did this. We get to move forward together as a result.
We have a great amount of work to do, America.
Yes, we have accomplished much. We have successfully implanted a cyborg baboon heart in a man, and then made that man the football coach of the Ohio State University. We weathered the worst storm of our time, the great Real Good Times Typhoon of 2011.
Why, over forty years ago, man walked on the moon for the first time. But within the next four years, a horse will lead Tennessee to an SEC East title. His name is Mantequilla, and he has no time for recruiting restrictions.
We swore that those who opposed freedom with tyranny and violence would be hunted down, no matter where they hid, and no matter where they ran. On a cold night in Pakistan, we kept that promise. Justice found Craig James, just as it finds all those who seek to drag the world into darkness.
But we need to press forward. There remains so much to do, and so little time.
No longer will we stand afraid of fourth and three from our opponent's 37 yard line.
We will embrace the values of our founders, who never called a draw play on third and forever. That is some bitch-ass British shit.
Gary Danielson: run. Start running now.
We will continue to nurture hard work by supporting small businesses. Some of our finest for-profit ventures are run by dwarves. This nation needs more Nick Sabans--nay, must have more of them--in order to thrive.
Defense spending will be increased across all conferences, and measures will be put in place to make sure that Art Briles doesn't just spend it all on Twizzlers again.
UConn, you have been sold to the CFL. You get none of the proceeds, and Jordan Jefferson is now your starter.
Education will continue to be our strongest hope for the future. No longer will our student-athletes be allowed to take fake classes and receive grades for doing no work. They will be held accountable, forced to buy test answers off the Internet like everyone else.
We will continue to push Congress to pass our energy bill. We CAN put the Oregon offense in a supercollider. We CAN see what happens, no matter what the scientists say. Chip Kelly wants to do it. We want to do it. Hear their voices, Congress, and give the country the unlimited power it needs to soar into the 21st century.
By executive order, I have also forced Notre Dame to join the ACC as a full member, and to stop lying to its priest who totally knows that they're not only sleeping with the conference, but are also using birth control to keep from having an accidental baby with Florida State. Blood will out, and you're not going to pay the legal fees you'll splash for just keeping that child unjailed and half-eligible for community college.
As for pants? That time is over for us as a nation. The trousers of oppression are forever cast on the floor of history. Walk free and underpanted, or perhaps even au naturel as long as one puts a towel down before sitting.
Health care in college football will improve, as we encourage Jarvis Jones and Jadeveon Clowney to go to the NFL, using a pit covered with palm fronds if we have to.
I also promise you this: Auburn will never, ever win a national title again. Ever. Fuck them. Fuck them so very, very hard for the rest of our nation's eternal, righteous, and big-dicked romp through this poorly ventilated brothel of a planet.
I know I'm not supposed to say that as President, but Jesus hold my hand, I just have to let that out now that I literally have nothing to lose, and don't have to worry about the repercussions of my actions.
Now that I'm thinking about it, I really have some options here. I might declare the entire place a Superfund site and have the school moved to a series of trailers on the outskirts of Troy's campus. I can do that, because I'm the goddamn President, and if you look closely in the Constitution I can pretty much do whatever the hell I want to do at any time.
Thank you for the excuse, Harvey Updyke. You're welcome for the upgrade in facilities, Auburn students.
Suck it, Auburn. Suck it hard, and suck it forever.
And though we have struggled toward this end, and struggled in vain for much of the time, we believe we can achieve a punt-free America in the next four years. Teams may still have punters. They will be kept around as secondary mascots and cookie boys.*
*The cookie boys will be in charge of greeting offensive and defensive linemen as they exit the field. Two cookies shall be awarded for big plays. No cookies will be distributed for negative play.
Finally, we're going to continue to stand for the values we as a community believe in. We believe in college football. We believe in bourbon. We believe in the combination thereof in immoderate amounts. We believe in dogs, and that those dogs should be allowed on couches, and sometimes at the controls of passenger aircraft. Those dogs should take us to Costa Rica, where we will open offshore sports books, have delightfully tan babies with lithe bodies and agile minds, and funnel money to recruits in manners so elaborate Chinese shipping conglomerates will shit themselves at our byzantine trickery.
There will be breakfast tacos.
Oh, you bet your fucking ass there will be some breakfast tacos up in this bitch.