clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

THE SWITZER PROPHECY IS REVEALED

We've got nine years to fix this thing, people.

By Ryan Nanni

Tom Hanks. Abby Wambach. Mystikal. They are some of America's most beloved public figures, but, eventually, they will all pass on, and we as a country will grieve and learn to move forward. But there are others, like Barry Switzer, who we cannot even fathom losing. And yet, buried in the news that Oklahoma and Nebraska will be resuming their rivalry, we were warned:

WE CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN. Here are a few simple and cost-effective ways we can make sure that our children, and our children's children, and our children's children's children who have been horribly mutated by lunar radiation, all grow up knowing the joy of a living, breathing Switzer.

1. Freeze him. Not cryogenically, because that shit's expensive and who knows if it even works. Instead, we lock him in a walk-in freezer full of domestic beer. You can't die if you have all those frosty reasons to live, Barry.

2. Accelerate him to the speed of light. Sure, the rest of us won't be able to see him or interact with him, but every night we can look up in the night sky and say "Make a wish! Coach Switzer just sideswiped another satellite."

3. Wolverine him. There's no guarantee it will prevent him from dying due to natural causes, but it will make the ten to fifteen bear attacks he suffers a year much quicker.

4. Replace his blood with Pedialyte. You can get this done in Russia for $45.

5. Clone him. Ok, not like CLONE clone, because that won't be cheap and I don't know how. But we could put him in charge of our schoolchildren. Hundreds of thousands of young minds, all molded by the Bootlegger's Boy himself. At least one will turn out just like Switzer. Maybe three. Actually, three Barry Switzers is probably too many, from a police point of view.

You've cheated death once, Barry. We're going to help you do it again.